Author: thatgirllaine

Completely and utterly insane with no desire to change that .....ever

The Dark Side of Summer

So it has almost been a year since my brother has past. True to my fashion, and the fact that my family seems to make gloomy holidays of deaths,have not said much in the way of it. It just seems in poor taste. It is however on, my mind increasingly more as the day approaches and knowing I have an impending trip right around that time to the parentals domicile doesn’t help. But like most I have a tradition around the beginning of summer and I will do my best to follow it
And so in this rather colder part of North America called Canada, we celebrate Canada Day at the beginning of July. I am sure there are all these amazing and wonderful reasons and things to do on this day to celebrate the day that Canada became Canada. But I am going to tell you how I celebrate this holiday.
I get drunk
Aaaand I watch the fireworks
End.Of.Story
Not anything remotely special, but hey it’s the beginning of summer for me and usually the first childless weekend of the year as well. It’s really all I need. Now THIS past summer of good ole 2013 had gotten off to a rocking start when I had my place broken into and money stolen by someone who was being stupid and I should have been able to trust. Lets call him DOUCHEBAG and well DOUCHEBAG got his ass handed to him and he set off one of the worst weekends of my life! Rent was due, but it got stolen and I had no way to replace this money in time to pay rent and I had to worry about school and what my landlord was going to say and on top of that DOUCHEBAG decided to stay drunk for the next few days. I don’t know where he spent all that time, but it sure ass f!ck was not at my house. I still see red when I think about this.
Well needless to say I put to use my ninja skills to save my ass by Canada Day. Which meant on this day I could finally relax and enjoy my weekend. It was only monday at this point.
But WHATEVER, at least I didn’t lose the whole weekend right?
Well…. I’ll never forget this phone call, the urgency of all the messages I suddenly felt and heard the tone from my aunt, that I’m sure she meant to sound comforting, but to me she sounded more like she was trying then was actually sad and I wanted to strangle her as she blurted out  “Bryne is dead.”
Bryne being my baby brother, my only brother and someone I had just seen a week before. There I was standing on Jasper and 111 instantly sober and a couple hours away from the fireworks.
Sooooo, what did I do? I got re-drunk and went watched the fireworks.
You can think what you want, but my family was 4 hours away and what else do you when you find out that someone close to you is gone?
I watched those fireworks, went home called all the people you are supposed to when things like this happen, said all the things you’re supposed to say when something like that happens and then made the arrangements to get up to my parents place as soon as possible.
The arrival in the booming metropolian of High Prairie would end up being the longest week of my life starting with the dreaded question from my dad “would you please do your brother’s eulogy?”
It goes without saying, I said yes. I didn’t want to, I loathe public speaking and even more so when there will most definitely be emotion involved, but my biggest concern was “what do I say about a guy who always lived with his parents and literally never did anything?”
My brother was a Paranoid Schizophrenic and was diagnosed with depression, ADD and FAS or FAE whichever you want to call it.
I love my brother, but he did not do anything with himself, no work, no girlfriend, no job, no nothing. He was 26 years old and lived like he was eternally 14. How could I do a summation of his life when there was nothing to celebrate or point out, and do this without causing my father more hurt. SO I drank a bottle of Rum and this is what I said……
“A eulogy is supposed to be a summation of one’s life and all they’ve accomplished. I could do that for my brohter in about three sentences.
So instead I will leave you with how I’ll remember his life.
When I was 8 I met a sweet little boy who wanted nothing more than a friend to play with and a bike to ride. Unknown to me, I had just inherited the brother I would soon realize I could not imagine my life without. We spent every waking moment together. Riding bokes. inventing games and tormenting the neighbour lady; stealing her crab apples or killing her flowers. No matter what it was, Bryne was game for it. Even something as simple as squishing slugs with suction cup arrows. But that was who Bryne was. He loved the simple things, things that most of us would over look.
Whether it was watching moveis with niece and nephews or sitting by the river with me as long as we could to avoid having to go home and wash dishes.
I find it hard to celebrate a life that wasn’t filled with great moments to look back on. But for Bryne, he seemed to have enough good ones to make him happy.
I got to see the look of joy in a little boys eyes at the discovery that he could find his mommy and she didn’t have to be the woman that gave birth to him. And he had the knowledge that no matter how mean others could be, his sister would always plant her foot in their ass. He had 3 little people who thought the world of him and the comforting security that his dad would always stand behind him.
Bryne was strong. Strong enough to endure the stares, rude comments and the mistreatments from others with a smile on his face or just brush it off.
He was good natured, filled with good intentions even if his execution of them was a little off.
He was kind, he never said a cruel word about anyone even if they deserved it. The other day I heard someone say ‘he lived his life the best way he knew how’. People always say this when someone passes. But anyone who knew Bryne would know there really wasn’t a truer statement.
Despite the shitty hand he was dealt, he did the best he could with what he had.”
My brother left this world on Canada Day, I watched the fire works that night and will do it every year on that day until I too leave this world. I have made a lot of really shitty choices in my life that I should never have walked away from, for a very long time. He closed his eyes one night and faded away. Life will never be a fair game, but I will try to not make those shitty choices so much or so often. But hey I am human right? I have 29 years of anecdotal proof that I am not the best decision maker.
But I can promise I will always watch the fireworks with you

Forever teaching you how NOT to live your life
The Late Mz.R.E

Single Shenigans

You ever want an excuse to make as many stupid and or bad decisions as you can in a short period of time? Two words “Single Shenanigans”. This whole idea I came up with a few years ago that started with a ghetto party. Let me tell you, wait….. No. You don’t need the greasy details of what happened. Just know that is it was probably the best and worst idea I have ever come with. And I can only say best because the outcome from it for both me and the other participant are fantastic.
Now the premise and rules of Single Shenanigans; mmmm…. There are none really. It started because we were both newly single and and weren’t ready to accept spinsterhood or crazy cat lady status. And honestly I believe that we just wanted to let our freak flags fly proudly, openly and without regret for as long as possible.

It was a crazy time that mainly consisted of me calling her up, instructing her she had only a few minutes to complete whatever it was she was doing before I would be there to pick her up and take her to places unknown to complete a night of unplanned shenanigans. It was only a year of this sort of activity, but in those fast paced months of little to no sobriety we managed to wake up in a different town, pass finals, party in the ghetto ghetto style and find those weirdos on Whyte that in the heat of the moment seem like the perfect party companions. We consumed more booze than any human should and definitely partook in our fair share of debauchery.

The end result was amazing. Reconnected with old friends, made lots of new friends, spent many weekends at the beach, many week night at the dodgiest of dodgy watering holes, planned a trip to Australia that ended up being a semi permanent move and making some of the best memories of my life.

When the dust settled we were not tired, but ready and fully energized to continue our lives in new and much more amazing ways and we did.

So here’s to myself and the little mermaid. We may now be half way across the world apart, but I wouldn’t change a minute. Single Shenanigans were single handedly the best decision we ever made.

Until we meet again may your beer always be cold and full and the sun warm and welcoming.

Continuing to teach you how NOT to live your life

The Late Mz. R.E.

Constant game of Catch up

Well ladies and gents let me be the first to say holy hell! what a crazy few months this has been! I must say what a beautiful disaster it has been. Most days I could watch the world burn, using the flames to light my cigarette. Since the very bitter christmas letter I have walked out, screamed bloddy murder, been pushed to the point where violence seemed like the best and only answer to my problems and yet here I sit, no police record and very little scarring. The months that have passed between when I started this and now have definitely been some for the books. I have taken some steps to try to better the quality of life, with a few set backs. Big ones. I truly can say that it is strange to bottom out and it not because of some form of abuse. I am sure that there are some that would say that what the situation I have found myself could be seen as that. But to me it does not feel that way. Although I do understand that, that’s usually the case. But meh bitches, this is the way the cookie is crumbling this month. I hear you’r eonly given what you can handle and when you learn the lesson, it stops. So we shall see. In the mean time, stay golden

Forever your teacher on how not to live your life
Mz.R.E

Merry Christmas Bitches

Now that Christmas is behind us for the next 11 months I feel as I can post my cynical view on it and not kill anyone’s “Christmas spirit”. Not that I overly give a shit, I still don’t want to be Scrooge.
As it stands I have not for the last 10 years been a huge Christmas fan, I did however look forward to the family get together to see who would fight and hear the latest “guess what the bitch about me” because it was a great reminder why I needed to NOT live at home.

I was brought up in a house where Christmas was a constant contest as to who could out do the other when it came to getting presents and for a family that was by far NOT doing so well financially, this was always a feat and often lead to new piles of debt and poverty in the new year. As a kid in this house my view on it was somewhere along the lines of “Who gives a shit! Show me what you bought me!” So as you can see I was well on my way to being such a great addition to society.
Needless to say that somehow through the years with growing up and growing apart I somehow managed to avoid being a completely materialistic twat and tried to keep Christmas more about family than the stuff you get.

This house I was brought up in did teach me a lesson that I have taken with me, and that was during the Christmas holiday and get together, there was never a need to be drunk. There are a few times in the year when even I feel you shouldn’t be sloshed and Christmas is one of them (actually it is probably the only one). Either way, at Christmas lets put away the booze and make the best of it. It will make a great story for the Shrink and give one that solidarity behind why one is drunk within 48 hours of returning from said family get together.

And this year I found that I missed those huge family get togethers. Mind you it has been a few years since there was one and perhaps a combination of my new found poverty mixed with the huge dose of cabin fever I was experiencing at the time just made me long for any outting. Regardless of the why’s of it all, lets not over think this people, I found myself wishing there was a big family Christmas going on. The fighting, the bitching, the debt. HAHA!

At any rate this whole incredibly depressing holiday led to an even worse interim between Christmas and new years. I found myself going through old journals and pictures, not answering the phone and biting peoples heads off, staying up late watching shit I had TIVO’d the day previous PEOPLE I WORE THE SAME SHIRT FOR A WEEK.
It was brutal and I was well on my way to throwing the pity party of pity parties and I smelled.GROSS!

But thankfully I have 3 people in my life that have no social filter or couthe. They love me and let me stew in my own funk and be bitchy, but they know when its time to say “Get you stinky ass in the shower that stain on your shirt is gravy and we haven’t had gravy in the house for almost a week”. And they may not say it in those words but one of them, the most logical with the least ability to sugar coat things, comes up to me and says “Did you really watch that all day?”, the look on his face pretty much spells that out.

And with that humbling moment I had a revelation(and a shower) and realized “Man, I hate Christmas. Next year I’m getting drunk”

Forever your teacher in how not to live your life,
Mz.R.E

The End of one and The Beginning of Another

Well folks, its Christmas Eve and I can’t say that I am filled with the usual Christmas uletide *insert chosen profanity* euphoria that comes with this time of year.
This year for my family and I was not a great one, it started out pretty damn good, but then seemed to just take a slide into a porcelain pisshole and right on down into the plumbing.
Now lets not jump to any conclusions and assume that I am here to complain on how life has been so hard and I feel so lost and any other fishing for sympathy cliches that you can think of.
I am merely setting the mood for the first part of this wondrous journey through this magically depressing year and embarking on what hopefully turns out to become step up into a slightly better slightly medicated happier new year.
So please join me in the fun as we watch these crazy events unfold and stay with me peeps, watch the bad decisions be made and reaped with maybe some of these “mistakes” end up working out better than anticipated.
Forever your faithful teacher of how NOT to live your life,

Mz.R.E.