Author: thatgirllaine

Completely and utterly insane with no desire to change that .....ever

Letter #3

Dear brother,

Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot. 

Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!

I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad. 

I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you. 

You’re his person. 

Stay golden 

Love,

Trouble 

Letter #2

Dear dad, 

Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you. 

In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got. 

You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be. 

You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side. 

Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.  

You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing. 

You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.  

And that I love you. 

You did enough. More than enough. 

I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief. 

Love, 

Bella 

Letter #1

Bella wrote, 

Dear 17 year old me,

Where do I begin? 

Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy. 

I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more. 

I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady. 

Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school. 

Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted. 

By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne. 

I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.

Everything. 

If you ever want to get out of town, be free. 

That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.  

That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become. 

By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either. 

That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever. 

Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.  

Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways. 

Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that. 

You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that. 

Just do what feels right. 

Bella 

Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters

She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.

Taking illicit drugs.

Death.

That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of  the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.

She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.

With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Dear Stretch 

I’ve read the old books and felt that yearning for your better self. To see that maybe you were wiser when you were younger. You were definitely someone I’d prefer to be. You don’t think so. You feel insanity burning so fiercely inside you that you’re pretty sure you’re sweating crazy.

Trust me when I say you’re not. No one can actually tell.

You’re going to see very soon that you’re going to meet someone people can’t help but love you. And love you passionately.  An intense and hot burning love that will never totally stop but they can’t keep up with the heat of it. One day you’ll find yourself wondering why.

It’s that same passion that people will hate you with. They will find that easier than loving you most days that’s for sure. You will navigate this with a quiet rage that will make them even more upset. They won’t see it, but you will feel it and you will teach yourself how to live with that constant fire burning inside you. It will become your shield, your venom and your constant friend. A friend that will kill any remaining emotion left.

Yes, this is not the hopeful words of a future filled with success. This is the confirmation that the present you is making the best decision for this situation. If I don’t regret it, I know you won’t.

Life’s short, live well.

Bella (you)

30 Days Til the Sun died

Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Happy Valentine’s Day 

On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Dearest Blackfoot

I’m writing this because I miss you. Because I need you to know no matter where we are in the world, together or apart, we’re under the same sky looking at the same stars. That together or apart you have always been, are now, and will forever be more important to me than I could ever properly articulate.

Our lives are definitely not what I thought they would be. Well not yours anyways. I never worried about you because you were always ok. It seemed as though someone was always there to take care of you and make sure you were ok. I didn’t know people were leaving you behind. I know what that’s like and if I had been paying better attention I never would’ve let you be.

You don’t deserve what you have been handed lately. People make mistakes and people fall down in life. You shouldn’t have to pick yourself up by yourself when you have people. When you have me. I may be disappointed and I may worry. I’m sure you’ve felt the same about me through some of my shittier life choices. No one is perfect and I don’t expect you to be. And you shouldn’t expect you to be.

I know what that hole you’re in is like. It’s a disgusting, bitter self loathing and it’s scary and makes one feel sad and deep down tired. The kind of tired sleep can’t fix because it’s your soul that’s tired and the world feels so heavy that somedays its unbearable.

I’m thinking of you always. Believing in you.  Knowing you’re strong and capable and intelligent and you know what you’re doing and you know what you have to do to make it right. And you know that it’s not going to be easy but I will be here for the hard parts.

No matter how many times you fall I will be there to pick you up. Brush you off. Tell you to get your Fucken shit together. Get r done already asshole. Then tell you I love you you can do this.

Despite me saying for all the reasons for me why you’re great. You need to put you first. Think of you like I do. Everything you do and every choice should be made with you at the basis for that choice. It should be because you feel and know with confidence and conviction that it’s what you need and that you are worth it and needed and happy. If for now you can’t or need help getting to this mindset, I will be here. I will be the creep on your shoulder whispering this shit in your ear when you need to hear it.  To the ends of the Earth.

You’re my happiest memory

I believe in you.

From here to eternity

Mother Dearest

I was 14 years old when I learned that it was actually the norm to not just love your mother but like her, adore her, have her treat you like you are indeed a person. 

I was 16 when I learned that it was common for her to be a close confidant and respected person in ones life. 

My most prominent memories of my mother are of resentment and her treating me like an object she owned and her servant. And for a long time I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. No one in my family ever said different and I just never brought it up to my friends. 

The crazy part is, I found a picture today of myself as 5 year old girl with my mother and I remember it wasn’t like that at all. But I can’t recall when or how it changed. 

I know I changed when she made me reloacte to small town hell and I know she changed when she saw my I unhappiness coupled with her preexisting depression and her troubles conceiving a baby after myself and my brother. Truth be told most who know me know I don’t care for my mother and it would appear that I never have. She was a shitty person. And she did shitty things to me and my brother and dad and she didn’t care. 

She died two years ago. I wasn’t very cut up about it. 

At first  

A month ago I dreamt of her. I was in a community hall back home and it was dimly lit. And sitting around a circular table were all the versions of my mother I’ve seen throughout our life. I was a little weary hahaha! But I sat I wanted to speak to her. And that’s when I realized after this long Fucken internal battle with myself over our life and what she did to me and how I treated her because of it that I felt as though I should be nicer because I love her but at the same time she failed hard as a mother and I just couldn’t ever treat her the way she thought I should. 

I have always loved my mom. But fuck me if I didn’t Fucken loathe her. But 20 years ago I not only loved her I trusted her and felt safe and protected when I was with her. I knew she would kick a baby to save my life. She was this bright, active, caring, intelligent, nurturing woman. She took care of us and she gave a shit. My mom who I had until I was 11 is my mom. I love her and I lost her the winter I was 11. But every now and then I would get glimpses of her as an adult. And I was on that shit like white on rice. I spent every moment she was like that with her. 

My mother was an amazing woman who was too self conscious to see what she was capable of. And her mental illness won the war after a hard year in our family. 

Trust me I am not making excuses for her. She shit the bed hard and failed my brother and myself in the most Fucken epic hurtful ways. She was a cunt for the last 15 years and I made sure she knew I felt that way. 

But back to the dream. I told her that the version in the tye dye with the long hair was my favorite her. She was the mom I remember when I think of the happy. I didn’t like who she turned into. She gave up and took it out on us. Among other crap. 

But I told her she was my favorite version of her and I’m sorry but I hated the others. They betrayed me and stole from me and spread lies and cost us a family member becasue she became a selfish coward and she told me she already knew that and it was ok. She hugged me and we smiled and the dream ended as abruptly as it started. 

And I don’t expect anyone to hop on my theory boat here. But I only dream of people when I truly deep down miss them or need them and I believe it’s really them just because of how I feel when it’s over and the way the dream plays out. 

And I truly miss her. I have always loved my mother. The mom that was there when I was little is the reason I kept coming back and I helped take of her when she was sick. Why I ever stopped my kids from seeing her, why despite the shitty person she was I never totally walked away from her. That part of me just couldn’t let her go. 

Fuck I fought myself for years overnt because I didn’t understand it. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot and I saw the picture today and it just hit me. 

My mom was a great Fucken lady when she cared about herself and others. But life happens and it turned her into a whiny greedy manipulative bitch. 

I loved her everyday even when she sucker as a human because she really was wonderful. I just wish she’d never  given up. 

Shit happens and people are people and sometimes we change our minds. 

Well remember this is Mz.R.E forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

Oh and remember children, love your mother. But you don’t have to like her. At all. Ever.