Author: thatgirllaine

Completely and utterly insane with no desire to change that .....ever

Dearest Blackfoot

I’m writing this because I miss you. Because I need you to know no matter where we are in the world, together or apart, we’re under the same sky looking at the same stars. That together or apart you have always been, are now, and will forever be more important to me than I could ever properly articulate.

Our lives are definitely not what I thought they would be. Well not yours anyways. I never worried about you because you were always ok. It seemed as though someone was always there to take care of you and make sure you were ok. I didn’t know people were leaving you behind. I know what that’s like and if I had been paying better attention I never would’ve let you be.

You don’t deserve what you have been handed lately. People make mistakes and people fall down in life. You shouldn’t have to pick yourself up by yourself when you have people. When you have me. I may be disappointed and I may worry. I’m sure you’ve felt the same about me through some of my shittier life choices. No one is perfect and I don’t expect you to be. And you shouldn’t expect you to be.

I know what that hole you’re in is like. It’s a disgusting, bitter self loathing and it’s scary and makes one feel sad and deep down tired. The kind of tired sleep can’t fix because it’s your soul that’s tired and the world feels so heavy that somedays its unbearable.

I’m thinking of you always. Believing in you.  Knowing you’re strong and capable and intelligent and you know what you’re doing and you know what you have to do to make it right. And you know that it’s not going to be easy but I will be here for the hard parts.

No matter how many times you fall I will be there to pick you up. Brush you off. Tell you to get your Fucken shit together. Get r done already asshole. Then tell you I love you you can do this.

Despite me saying for all the reasons for me why you’re great. You need to put you first. Think of you like I do. Everything you do and every choice should be made with you at the basis for that choice. It should be because you feel and know with confidence and conviction that it’s what you need and that you are worth it and needed and happy. If for now you can’t or need help getting to this mindset, I will be here. I will be the creep on your shoulder whispering this shit in your ear when you need to hear it.  To the ends of the Earth.

You’re my happiest memory

I believe in you.

From here to eternity

Mother Dearest

I was 14 years old when I learned that it was actually the norm to not just love your mother but like her, adore her, have her treat you like you are indeed a person. 

I was 16 when I learned that it was common for her to be a close confidant and respected person in ones life. 

My most prominent memories of my mother are of resentment and her treating me like an object she owned and her servant. And for a long time I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. No one in my family ever said different and I just never brought it up to my friends. 

The crazy part is, I found a picture today of myself as 5 year old girl with my mother and I remember it wasn’t like that at all. But I can’t recall when or how it changed. 

I know I changed when she made me reloacte to small town hell and I know she changed when she saw my I unhappiness coupled with her preexisting depression and her troubles conceiving a baby after myself and my brother. Truth be told most who know me know I don’t care for my mother and it would appear that I never have. She was a shitty person. And she did shitty things to me and my brother and dad and she didn’t care. 

She died two years ago. I wasn’t very cut up about it. 

At first  

A month ago I dreamt of her. I was in a community hall back home and it was dimly lit. And sitting around a circular table were all the versions of my mother I’ve seen throughout our life. I was a little weary hahaha! But I sat I wanted to speak to her. And that’s when I realized after this long Fucken internal battle with myself over our life and what she did to me and how I treated her because of it that I felt as though I should be nicer because I love her but at the same time she failed hard as a mother and I just couldn’t ever treat her the way she thought I should. 

I have always loved my mom. But fuck me if I didn’t Fucken loathe her. But 20 years ago I not only loved her I trusted her and felt safe and protected when I was with her. I knew she would kick a baby to save my life. She was this bright, active, caring, intelligent, nurturing woman. She took care of us and she gave a shit. My mom who I had until I was 11 is my mom. I love her and I lost her the winter I was 11. But every now and then I would get glimpses of her as an adult. And I was on that shit like white on rice. I spent every moment she was like that with her. 

My mother was an amazing woman who was too self conscious to see what she was capable of. And her mental illness won the war after a hard year in our family. 

Trust me I am not making excuses for her. She shit the bed hard and failed my brother and myself in the most Fucken epic hurtful ways. She was a cunt for the last 15 years and I made sure she knew I felt that way. 

But back to the dream. I told her that the version in the tye dye with the long hair was my favorite her. She was the mom I remember when I think of the happy. I didn’t like who she turned into. She gave up and took it out on us. Among other crap. 

But I told her she was my favorite version of her and I’m sorry but I hated the others. They betrayed me and stole from me and spread lies and cost us a family member becasue she became a selfish coward and she told me she already knew that and it was ok. She hugged me and we smiled and the dream ended as abruptly as it started. 

And I don’t expect anyone to hop on my theory boat here. But I only dream of people when I truly deep down miss them or need them and I believe it’s really them just because of how I feel when it’s over and the way the dream plays out. 

And I truly miss her. I have always loved my mother. The mom that was there when I was little is the reason I kept coming back and I helped take of her when she was sick. Why I ever stopped my kids from seeing her, why despite the shitty person she was I never totally walked away from her. That part of me just couldn’t let her go. 

Fuck I fought myself for years overnt because I didn’t understand it. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot and I saw the picture today and it just hit me. 

My mom was a great Fucken lady when she cared about herself and others. But life happens and it turned her into a whiny greedy manipulative bitch. 

I loved her everyday even when she sucker as a human because she really was wonderful. I just wish she’d never  given up. 

Shit happens and people are people and sometimes we change our minds. 

Well remember this is Mz.R.E forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

Oh and remember children, love your mother. But you don’t have to like her. At all. Ever. 

ConfirmationĀ 

It was confirmation. Confirmation that she had made the mistake. Confirmation of her thoughts when she was younger. Confirmation that she did indeed ruin people. Mostly it showed her what happens when you choose the wrong path. 

She had wanted to save him. To ensure he would always be okay. And not in the delusional “he’s a bad boy maybe he’ll change for me” way. Bella had always been good at reading people and seeing who they were and knowing what they needed. She wasn’t psychic. This wasn’t television. She just had really good instincts and insight. Probably from spending her adolescents smoking weed and watching people. 

When she made the mistake her gut had told her. But she ignored it. He needed her more than she needed people. 

It’s just that Bella didn’t fully realize what she had sacrificed in helping him. She did not realize the price she would pay for this deed and all she would lose in the process. It wasn’t fair. But life rarely is. Maybe this time she would learn. She didn’t think so though. All this has done was prove to her what she’d already known in the back of her mind for years. 

She was forever to be alone. 

And with it she unwove another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. Only one remained and what she did with it we shall see

We will see 

Pretty Shade of Jade

How much was she expected to handle? So many years of fighting for things that were supposed to be hers in the first place. Why should she have to fucking turn it around and build it up after it’s been burnt down or stolen away. When it was her fault, yes she should be the one to fix it. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how those things work. But what about when it was just life? 

A resounding yes plays through her ears. That’s how that also worked. Even when you didn’t expect it or deserve it. You still have to mend it or rebuild whatever life has decided to fuck yo or destroy. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how that works. 

So she did. Using the fire anger powered or the determination of someone who has no plan b or people who have no one to fall back on or help them. 

She did this without asking for pity or help (when it could be avoided). 

But this last time. This time that made it so she could say this has happened numerous times, it broke something. 

Deep down inside her. Snapped so viciously she could hear it in her head echoing like she was in a hollow spot. And when the sound subsided all Bella felt was…

Nothing. 

She’d fix what was needed and then wash her hands of it. She had no fire to push her. Just the mechanical muscle memory to guide her. 

Bella was almost completely void

She set down the pen and turned a page in the suicide book. 

When All Else Failed

She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final BeginningĀ 

She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Joys of BeingĀ 

It’s that deep down in your soul understanding of “almost doesn’t count”. The overwhelming knawing disappointment in the realization that you’re just not quite accepted. You’re just the seat filler. 

You’ve been talked at, but without the condescending tone. Lived your whole life not ever really trying to belong because you could just feel you didn’t and it would be wasted effort. 

That moment you realize you’re in a full room and no one has noticed you. 

Or forgotten you were ever there. 

It’s the reason you’ve read so many books, learned to enjoy your own company. 

Kind of. 

Oh loneliness how we’ve come to be such great friends. 

Mz. R.E.

The Suicide Book

She found it on the top of the shelf, tucked away under other old journals. It’s soft leather cover felt familiar and the book itself held and aura of despair. She had thought she had truly shelved this unfinished piece of sadness for forever. Bella sighed as she picked up a pen to continue and yet still leave unfinished the pages of the suicide book. She began the letters…

The final threads of the disentanglement of Bella and Linus  

Sad Ambiguity

It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

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Sometimes People Need You More Than You Need People

“I didn’t always feel this way, at least I didn’t want to acknowledge it” Bella thought to herself. But lately it would seem as more time was behind her she began to see the wisdom in her youth. Those little tinges and feelings she had always got from her gut that were foreshadowing the future she had always believed was supposed to be a mystery.

As time went on, she found more coincidences in the things she had felt in her younger years. How she had never known what she wanted to do when she grew up (and still did not know), how no matter what wondrous love she would find, there was always that bit of darkness that told her that one was not meant to stay. She HAD felt that when things did finally slow down she would never be destined for the beautiful perfection of “The One”. Which was one of the reasons she always went her own way, always looking for the better situation and being almost completely incapable of making a life decision. She thought if she was meant for something mediocre and calm that she should burn her way as long as she could.

That was of course she never could imagine a reason good enough to make her do what she thought was settling.

Bella had always been great at reading people and situations. Never did she think that the skill that had got her successfully through her journeys be the reason for what would turn out to not be settling or mediocre, and still be the very thing she had feared would happen anyway.

 

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