Sad Ambiguity

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It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

rope

Sometimes People Need You More Than You Need People

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“I didn’t always feel this way, at least I didn’t want to acknowledge it” Bella thought to herself. But lately it would seem as more time was behind her she began to see the wisdom in her youth. Those little tinges and feelings she had always got from her gut that were foreshadowing the future she had always believed was supposed to be a mystery.

As time went on, she found more coincidences in the things she had felt in her younger years. How she had never known what she wanted to do when she grew up (and still did not know), how no matter what wondrous love she would find, there was always that bit of darkness that told her that one was not meant to stay. She HAD felt that when things did finally slow down she would never be destined for the beautiful perfection of “The One”. Which was one of the reasons she always went her own way, always looking for the better situation and being almost completely incapable of making a life decision. She thought if she was meant for something mediocre and calm that she should burn her way as long as she could.

That was of course she never could imagine a reason good enough to make her do what she thought was settling.

Bella had always been great at reading people and situations. Never did she think that the skill that had got her successfully through her journeys be the reason for what would turn out to not be settling or mediocre, and still be the very thing she had feared would happen anyway.

 

sketch

When the Reality sets In

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It wasn’t the moment he realized it had been two weeks since she had so much as asked him to pass her the salt, or when he noticed the bathroom door had started to shut and his laundry pile didn’t seem to get any smaller. It wasn’t when she would ask Nose for a favour even when he was sitting right there and more than capable. It wasn’t even little things that he had never noticed until they were gone, like the sound of her laughter when he would tell a bad joke, or the way she had always looked intrigued when he was talking of something he liked even when he knew she didn’t much care for it.

It wasn’t when he walked into the living room and heard her laughing even when he realized he had not heard that sound in a very long time and it hurt is heart that he wasn’t the one making her laugh.

It was when he looked at her one day and noticed something different about her, it took him a minute to realize it but when it hit him, it hurt. The chain and ring she always wore around her neck was gone. Her chain she loved that she had put his ring on. The one she didn’t take off for anything. Had not gone without for years. It was gone.

And so another string came undone in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

ringonastring

Oh Holidays, holidays, HOLIDAYS!!!

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I took a quick look back at this blog I had thought was dead (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to use it on an iPad -you can stop smirking now- and briefly looked back at previous, very old blogs I had posted. And wow, soooo bitter and kinda funny. And now that I have tooted my own horn and can move on with my day I wanted to touch on Christmas. Honestly, we’re about a little passed half ways between it and for anyone, by which I mean everyone, who hadn’t read my previous post; I had written about a rather dismal one just over ago where I had promised to get drunk at the next one. I also complained about wanting a big one again.
Well let me tell you, I did both of those things and it was AWESOME. But because I’m not seventeen and I am sure no one wants to hear about drunken Christmas, I’m gonna get behind the reasons as to how it unfolded. Being a year later and having improved my quality of life somewhat I wanted to make up to my kids for the not so great previous one and for once relax about a holiday that can be tear inducing sometimes. this is not the booze part by the way,that comes later
My children love this family togetherness. I personally am not a huge fan honestly, if you’ve watched Springer, you have seen the potential for most of my family. Haha! oh if I couldn’t laugh at myself….
That being said, I figured why not invite my parents to this Christmas. We’ve all had a rough year and I thought my dad shouldn’t be alone, the kids wanted to spend time with their grandparents and the whole idea makes a person put more effort into the whole thing. The only downside…. My mother would be there. Now don’t get sensitive about moms here. I am well aware that most mothers are freaking awesome individuals and lots of people love and adore their moms. That’s great, the way it should be. Just not how I feel about my own. We have a lot of bad blood and no it’s just from me being an asshole teenager. My father is great.
This is where the drinking comes in
Now preemptively I had booze ready. I had invited a friend over for Christmas Because other wise she would be alone and my boyfriend, which at this time was still a new relationship. As in no one had dropped an L-bomb new, because I had invited my friend and apparently it would have been in bad taste to invite her and not even mention it to him. I don’t know, I never really dated. This was news to me!
At any rate I also prepared myself for the nightmare that spending A LOT of time with my mother in close quarters would entail. And the fact that these people I hold dear would meet my father, with whom it’s important he at least can tolerate the people I like, and my mother to whom can scare away the people of whom I like.

CURRENTLY:

Like a previous post I made earlier, this is rather old, that Christmas was in 2013 and its not half way through 2015. I know where I was going with this, I was going to rant about my mother, say caring things about my father and reflect on the patience of one of my bes friends and my boyfriend at the time. Not now.

From then until now many, many things have happened. I am no longer the boyfriend from this story, and my very good friend has had a lot of crap thrown her way and is in a very different place. I myself have seen much change. And most importantly, my mother passed away earlier this year. And as much I have somethings I wish to say about her, they shouldn’t be the drunken, bitter feelings I had on this occasion.

For the most part this was a great day for myself, my children and everyone else who was there. And I think it should be remembered that way. Despite the all of it and how it all turned out today, that was one of the best days of my life. I’m going to leave on here as such

Forever teaching you how not to live your life.

Mz. R. E.

759

Little Things

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It was those little things she noticed but didn’t. How when he did laundry, only his clothes got washed. How when he thought she wasn’t listening he would grumble and complain if something of his got moved a little to the left to make room for something of hers. That first night when the went to sleep, he didn’t even bother to hold her for even a quick embrace. How with each passing day, he smiled at her less and noticed her even less until one day Bella was pretty certain he had forgotten she was there. It even got to the point where she would hear him come home and when she went to see, he had already gone to see Nose. She wasn’t even worth the greeting. Everyday he got farther and farther away. Gave no hint what had happened to make this so. Bella spent all her time in a low place wondering what had happened. They were fine she had thought. No fights, and then one day Linus had just stopped talking to her. Ceased all communication.

One afternoon she sat with Nose and he asked her where Linus had gone off to and Bella sat stunned as she couldn’t answer. She could not for the life of her remember the last time she knew what was going on with Linus. That was the first string to break in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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Linus

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And just when Bella was gearing up for this next adventure, in walked this pony-tailed, clever and smirking handsome man named Linus
He rocked her world. He was this wonderful shining light that broke through the thick dark barrier she had protectively surrounded herself with. After what was the most absolute fucking horrible and the most gloriously exhilarating summer of her life, Linus was this breathe of fresh air. The first person she had met in my many years on this planet who when meeting her amidst all her baggage and chaos, only seemed to find it endearing. He wasn’t put off by it. He was actually much to her surprise seemed on her side. Supportive and chipper and for some insane reason he found her adorable.

When he called her beautiful she believed it without question. He was understanding of all the mayhem that followed Bella and joined her at the lead without hesitation. With a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts he slowly helped her climb from chaos to a better view of what she had. The way the corners of his eyes would crinkle when he smiled, Bella couldn’t help but smile back. The way he would catch her eye from across the room. Something Bella thought would only happen in the movies.

Linus was one of the biggest sources of her happiness. She would never admit, but he knew and she knew. And that was where the first step towards the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

439

A Lifetime Of Strangeness

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Ooh I think I found a thing. Reflecting! I have been doing an awful lot of that. And frankly I think I just need to get it out of my system so I can quit dwelling and deal with current events. From summer 2013 to this one, the comparison shows a lot of differences. For instance, I was childless for 10 weeks in 2013 and pretty much let off a decade of steam. Inebriation was a thing and adventures were falling into my lap like crumbs off of pastries. It was for all intents and purposes one of the best summers of my life. Despite that I was actually planning on entering crazy cat lady life when summer was over.  It was the best time filled with a lot of shenanigans, like how I woke up in a different town 3 hours before a final exam. THAT I PASSED by the way. Seriously though, the lake and bonfires were my summer. It was the summer you read about as a teen and think ” if that’s real, that couldn’t happen to me” and if it did, you’re pretty sure there were some psychedelic drugs involved there. I had a reunion with an old flame, got some closure. Did a condensed course in English in college and did well and met a plethora of amazingly cool people. Some of which I manage to still talk to. Went everywhere, always had enough of everything and despite how in shambles my life was (by was I mean totally screwed and I don’t know how I wasn’t in my room in the dark crying to Coldplay kind of shambles) I was very content with how things were going. And when at last summer came to a close and everyone returned to their lives, I had no regrets and a optimistic view of my impending catladyhood. It was thing that I was ready to commit to and to be honest cats aren’t really my cup of tea, well neither is tea really, but at this point I really didn’t give a shit. At least I knew what I was getting into with the cat.

At any rate, that didn’t actually pan out. I hate cats. Its a mutual hatred though, they don’t like me either. Probably has to do with the whole one foot in hell, no soul problem. And when I looked back upon the last couple years I also realized that I spend a lot of time in chaos, whether I create it or something else does. I am also a professional self sabotager. Every time I turned around was throwing another chaos grenade or 100% willingly jumping onto someone elses. Never stopping to breathe or react with rationality or thought. For the second time in a row i was finding myself in a situation that I had already lived through and the second round can’t really be blamed on anyone other than myself. No, its not drugs, I am much more creative than that!

Anyways! I’m getting away, REFLECTING yes. I have been doing that lately, I see the pattern the psycho fuck circle I keep going on hoping for a different outcome. I should know that greatness only ever pops up in amidst the chaos in my life. And that is exactly what happened there. What did I do? I RODE THAT SHIT TO THE DEATH!! I don’t recommend it. I ended up in a very similar situation to the beginning of 2013 about late 2014. If there anything learned from that ride on the struggle bus, its that if I can’t find something that I love, don’t do something i despise. And its time to put my big girl pants on do a lot of those things I don’t like doing and to stop making those bad life choices that make me wonder how I lived this long.

And to not forget to do all that of which i love, with people that when i see them, make me feel the same way i feel when i see my favourite food being brought out or hear my favourite song on the radio. Because like i always say. Life’s short, live well.

Perhaps it is time I take my own advice

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.

163

The Boundary

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Bella wasn’t the adventurous type. At least not when it came to people. Bella always preferred her adventures solo. But every once in a while her good friend Honey could convince her to step out. It had been a while since Bella and Honey had taken any venture and so Bella conceded and joined Honey in her shenanigans.

On this night they decided to travel to the Boundary. The Boundary was often filled with a cache of different folks and its smell reflected that. Despite the stink the two ladies knew they could count on some fun. They arrived a little later than usual and the Boundary was already packed with mostly unfamiliar faces. Bella took a seat near the back and Honey went and did what she did best. And soon enough Honey returned to their spot with the good sailor and the Toymaker. The drinks and laughs began to flow and Bella found herself enjoying the company of the Toymaker.

When they left, the Toymaker walked Bella home and with more than kind eyes they promised to see each other again. And so one more string unties in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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The Toilet Paper Roll

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Its started with a roll of toilet paper. Nothing really significant about it. It was a roll of toilet paper and most likely from the dollar store. But it was always on the floor. Always. Every time Linus would enter that bathroom, he would look down and see it starting back at him from its perch on the floor. And every time he would bend down pick it up and secure it back on the holder in the wall, do his business and leave. When he would return, there it would be on the floor looking up at him again, with a long frustrated sigh Linus would repeat the ritual and leave. This unending seemingly meaningless but ever so frustrating ritual that was repeated a hundred times a day. It’s where it began.

Welcome to the Disentanglement of Bella and Linustoiletpaper

Reflection of a clusterf¡ck

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So it can be said that it is probably best to write about certain things. Sometimes letting the situation play out is the best way to be able to go back and tell your story. This way one isn’t clouded by the insanity inducing emotions of the time. And let me tell you, Madame Insanity was a common house guest in my world for the better part of 2013. That year to be clear was a complete and utter nightmare. I should have killed someone, god knows I came close. Buuuut rationality showed up just in time to keep this cutie patootie out of the Pen. As previously mentioned, this year was a bust. Everything went to hell in a hand basket. I was single, unemployed, damn near homeless and chubby as fuck by January 25th. Not to mention I still had to chase after three lovely but terrifying little people and deal with an idiot drunk, whilst maintaining at least the appearance of someone who though may not have her shit together did in fact know what was going on (for the record, I had no Fucken clue. Literally winging it the WHOLE time). But like poodle would continually tell me; things did actually improve over time. Weeeeeell sort of. I got rid of the drunk and the chub and let me tell you, quality of life improved drastically. It has been almost a year since I started this particular post and much of my life has turned around. It has been made very clear that things can not only get better, but all the things I used to think couldn’t or wouldn’t happen for me, can. I have wonderful people around me

The above was written about a year ago, a year or so after what was one of the shittiest years to date for the shambley chaos that I call my existence. And even though that went out on a optimistic note, well haha let me tell you. I most definitely spoke too soon. 2013 was a shitty but great year and 2014 was a great but shit year as well. I was once again mostly unemployed, getting chubby and on the outs with my at that time boyfriend whilst having to chase around 3 lovely but terrifying bigger little people and none of us were in a happy place. And even in the worst moment of that year I was hopefully romantically holding on to the notion that things would get better if we just stuck together when every day I was being left farther and farther behind by the one i loved so very dearly. So it should come as no surprise when I say things DID NOT improve. AT ALL. Even a little. 2015 reared its ugly head with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Its now June of 2015 and yes two years has passed since I started this particular installment on the fun times to be had when you’re me. But I would no longer call it a reflection. More like an acceptance. An acceptance that honestly life is life and sometimes mine will be a clusterfuck. That wasn’t the first time and I am almost positive that it won’t be the last. So stay tuned folks, things will only get bitterly more hilarious and entertaining as I ride that struggle bus.

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.