A Lifetime Of Strangeness

Ooh I think I found a thing. Reflecting! I have been doing an awful lot of that. And frankly I think I just need to get it out of my system so I can quit dwelling and deal with current events. From summer 2013 to this one, the comparison shows a lot of differences. For instance, I was childless for 10 weeks in 2013 and pretty much let off a decade of steam. Inebriation was a thing and adventures were falling into my lap like crumbs off of pastries. It was for all intents and purposes one of the best summers of my life. Despite that I was actually planning on entering crazy cat lady life when summer was over.  It was the best time filled with a lot of shenanigans, like how I woke up in a different town 3 hours before a final exam. THAT I PASSED by the way. Seriously though, the lake and bonfires were my summer. It was the summer you read about as a teen and think ” if that’s real, that couldn’t happen to me” and if it did, you’re pretty sure there were some psychedelic drugs involved there. I had a reunion with an old flame, got some closure. Did a condensed course in English in college and did well and met a plethora of amazingly cool people. Some of which I manage to still talk to. Went everywhere, always had enough of everything and despite how in shambles my life was (by was I mean totally screwed and I don’t know how I wasn’t in my room in the dark crying to Coldplay kind of shambles) I was very content with how things were going. And when at last summer came to a close and everyone returned to their lives, I had no regrets and a optimistic view of my impending catladyhood. It was thing that I was ready to commit to and to be honest cats aren’t really my cup of tea, well neither is tea really, but at this point I really didn’t give a shit. At least I knew what I was getting into with the cat.

At any rate, that didn’t actually pan out. I hate cats. Its a mutual hatred though, they don’t like me either. Probably has to do with the whole one foot in hell, no soul problem. And when I looked back upon the last couple years I also realized that I spend a lot of time in chaos, whether I create it or something else does. I am also a professional self sabotager. Every time I turned around was throwing another chaos grenade or 100% willingly jumping onto someone elses. Never stopping to breathe or react with rationality or thought. For the second time in a row i was finding myself in a situation that I had already lived through and the second round can’t really be blamed on anyone other than myself. No, its not drugs, I am much more creative than that!

Anyways! I’m getting away, REFLECTING yes. I have been doing that lately, I see the pattern the psycho fuck circle I keep going on hoping for a different outcome. I should know that greatness only ever pops up in amidst the chaos in my life. And that is exactly what happened there. What did I do? I RODE THAT SHIT TO THE DEATH!! I don’t recommend it. I ended up in a very similar situation to the beginning of 2013 about late 2014. If there anything learned from that ride on the struggle bus, its that if I can’t find something that I love, don’t do something i despise. And its time to put my big girl pants on do a lot of those things I don’t like doing and to stop making those bad life choices that make me wonder how I lived this long.

And to not forget to do all that of which i love, with people that when i see them, make me feel the same way i feel when i see my favourite food being brought out or hear my favourite song on the radio. Because like i always say. Life’s short, live well.

Perhaps it is time I take my own advice

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.

163

The Boundary

Bella wasn’t the adventurous type. At least not when it came to people. Bella always preferred her adventures solo. But every once in a while her good friend Honey could convince her to step out. It had been a while since Bella and Honey had taken any venture and so Bella conceded and joined Honey in her shenanigans.

On this night they decided to travel to the Boundary. The Boundary was often filled with a cache of different folks and its smell reflected that. Despite the stink the two ladies knew they could count on some fun. They arrived a little later than usual and the Boundary was already packed with mostly unfamiliar faces. Bella took a seat near the back and Honey went and did what she did best. And soon enough Honey returned to their spot with the good sailor and the Toymaker. The drinks and laughs began to flow and Bella found herself enjoying the company of the Toymaker.

When they left, the Toymaker walked Bella home and with more than kind eyes they promised to see each other again. And so one more string unties in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

008

The Toilet Paper Roll

Its started with a roll of toilet paper. Nothing really significant about it. It was a roll of toilet paper and most likely from the dollar store. But it was always on the floor. Always. Every time Linus would enter that bathroom, he would look down and see it starting back at him from its perch on the floor. And every time he would bend down pick it up and secure it back on the holder in the wall, do his business and leave. When he would return, there it would be on the floor looking up at him again, with a long frustrated sigh Linus would repeat the ritual and leave. This unending seemingly meaningless but ever so frustrating ritual that was repeated a hundred times a day. It’s where it began.

Welcome to the Disentanglement of Bella and Linustoiletpaper

Reflection of a clusterf¡ck

So it can be said that it is probably best to write about certain things. Sometimes letting the situation play out is the best way to be able to go back and tell your story. This way one isn’t clouded by the insanity inducing emotions of the time. And let me tell you, Madame Insanity was a common house guest in my world for the better part of 2013. That year to be clear was a complete and utter nightmare. I should have killed someone, god knows I came close. Buuuut rationality showed up just in time to keep this cutie patootie out of the Pen. As previously mentioned, this year was a bust. Everything went to hell in a hand basket. I was single, unemployed, damn near homeless and chubby as fuck by January 25th. Not to mention I still had to chase after three lovely but terrifying little people and deal with an idiot drunk, whilst maintaining at least the appearance of someone who though may not have her shit together did in fact know what was going on (for the record, I had no Fucken clue. Literally winging it the WHOLE time). But like poodle would continually tell me; things did actually improve over time. Weeeeeell sort of. I got rid of the drunk and the chub and let me tell you, quality of life improved drastically. It has been almost a year since I started this particular post and much of my life has turned around. It has been made very clear that things can not only get better, but all the things I used to think couldn’t or wouldn’t happen for me, can. I have wonderful people around me

The above was written about a year ago, a year or so after what was one of the shittiest years to date for the shambley chaos that I call my existence. And even though that went out on a optimistic note, well haha let me tell you. I most definitely spoke too soon. 2013 was a shitty but great year and 2014 was a great but shit year as well. I was once again mostly unemployed, getting chubby and on the outs with my at that time boyfriend whilst having to chase around 3 lovely but terrifying bigger little people and none of us were in a happy place. And even in the worst moment of that year I was hopefully romantically holding on to the notion that things would get better if we just stuck together when every day I was being left farther and farther behind by the one i loved so very dearly. So it should come as no surprise when I say things DID NOT improve. AT ALL. Even a little. 2015 reared its ugly head with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Its now June of 2015 and yes two years has passed since I started this particular installment on the fun times to be had when you’re me. But I would no longer call it a reflection. More like an acceptance. An acceptance that honestly life is life and sometimes mine will be a clusterfuck. That wasn’t the first time and I am almost positive that it won’t be the last. So stay tuned folks, things will only get bitterly more hilarious and entertaining as I ride that struggle bus.

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.

As Honest As I Ever Will Be

I AM

happiness put on the shelf for another day

I WANT

you to be my muse

I HAVE

the greatest love I have ever known

I WISH

you could see what I truly feel about you

I HATE

when stupidity and ignorance are free to run rampant without limits

I FEAR

whatever awaits after death

I HEAR

the sound of music in my ears

I SEARCH

for a place to call home

I WONDER

where I went

I REGRET

not saying what I am thinking at the time

I LOVE

how you can just throw that word out there and expect me to tell you something personal

I ACHE

for things to be better

I ALWAYS

look at the sky

I USUALLY

overthink everything

I AM NOT

fucked up! no matter what you say mother!

I DANCE

in the street! I don’t care who sees me

I SING

everywhere

I NEVER

take it as it is

I RARELY

rush

I CRY

when I think of how far away you are

I AM NOT ALWAYS

this sentimental

I LOSE

patience far too fast these days

I’M CONFUSED

by math and kindness

I NEED

to be near you

I SHOULD

look up the sky is calling

The Deviants

The definition of deviant according a dictionary I found on the internet which we all know is always reliable, is “a person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm”. In my current life, deviant is defined by a current group of people in my life that tend to deviate from the acceptable behavior of society. Well at least when out in public. We are a group of 10 rather witty, sarcastic ladies, with the a few cynics and pessimists with a little touch of innocence thrown in there. Our conversations often filled with hilarity and perversion are not things that I would openly admit to people that I wish to continue to think me intelligent and witty.
These ladies and I have somehow in the last year managed to exchange numbers, Facebook information and booze mouth to mouth openly and without regret. So far we have seen some of us puke our guts out, make out in parking lots and roll down hills. We often threaten throat punches and deter from school work for the sake of the joke at a mutants expense. Now before your panties get knotted when I say mutant I refer to anyone that we do not care for, not for anyone who may look or act wierd. For Fucksakes WE LOOK AND ACT WEIRD! But I digress, as someone who entered her educational path thinking “No fucking way am I going to make friends to make friends”. I am not too upset at this failure, it has spurned some of the most hilarious conversations and events of my life. Like the Alabama Tuna Melt. Google that shit, I dare ya. Or the conversations surround the various body parts of the members.
As this group of deviants we have had a tumultuous year. When it began we were all in our own batch of fresh hell that life had dished out to us and was currently trying to fix it individually. Whether it being financial or personal or something we felt to be world shaking, end all of crap situations. And this past year has shown us that we didn’t have to do deal alone and and also that where it all “started” so to speak, wasn’t actually the hardest things were going to get. Or the happiest for that matter. Throughout this year we have seen a messy break up, rumours coming out the ass about certain members, in house fights and unfriendings, only to be friends once again after the dust settled. There’s been new relationships that lasted, engagements and a rehab visit. All for the betterment of the people involved. I have seen who are the friends and who are the passer-bys.
This year haas been a long and hard year for all of us. And not all of us are where we thought we would be. But the point of this whole thing is any that we are all still here and breathing. And in the current light of everyone who has been saddened by tragedy of loss. Whether personal or in the media that says a lot. I’ve always said the school we attend was there for the ones who wanted to use their second chance wisely, so if you’re here. Celebrate it.
Forever teaching you how to not live your life

Mz. R. E.

The Dark Side of Summer

So it has almost been a year since my brother has past. True to my fashion, and the fact that my family seems to make gloomy holidays of deaths,have not said much in the way of it. It just seems in poor taste. It is however on, my mind increasingly more as the day approaches and knowing I have an impending trip right around that time to the parentals domicile doesn’t help. But like most I have a tradition around the beginning of summer and I will do my best to follow it
And so in this rather colder part of North America called Canada, we celebrate Canada Day at the beginning of July. I am sure there are all these amazing and wonderful reasons and things to do on this day to celebrate the day that Canada became Canada. But I am going to tell you how I celebrate this holiday.
I get drunk
Aaaand I watch the fireworks
End.Of.Story
Not anything remotely special, but hey it’s the beginning of summer for me and usually the first childless weekend of the year as well. It’s really all I need. Now THIS past summer of good ole 2013 had gotten off to a rocking start when I had my place broken into and money stolen by someone who was being stupid and I should have been able to trust. Lets call him DOUCHEBAG and well DOUCHEBAG got his ass handed to him and he set off one of the worst weekends of my life! Rent was due, but it got stolen and I had no way to replace this money in time to pay rent and I had to worry about school and what my landlord was going to say and on top of that DOUCHEBAG decided to stay drunk for the next few days. I don’t know where he spent all that time, but it sure ass f!ck was not at my house. I still see red when I think about this.
Well needless to say I put to use my ninja skills to save my ass by Canada Day. Which meant on this day I could finally relax and enjoy my weekend. It was only monday at this point.
But WHATEVER, at least I didn’t lose the whole weekend right?
Well…. I’ll never forget this phone call, the urgency of all the messages I suddenly felt and heard the tone from my aunt, that I’m sure she meant to sound comforting, but to me she sounded more like she was trying then was actually sad and I wanted to strangle her as she blurted out  “Bryne is dead.”
Bryne being my baby brother, my only brother and someone I had just seen a week before. There I was standing on Jasper and 111 instantly sober and a couple hours away from the fireworks.
Sooooo, what did I do? I got re-drunk and went watched the fireworks.
You can think what you want, but my family was 4 hours away and what else do you when you find out that someone close to you is gone?
I watched those fireworks, went home called all the people you are supposed to when things like this happen, said all the things you’re supposed to say when something like that happens and then made the arrangements to get up to my parents place as soon as possible.
The arrival in the booming metropolian of High Prairie would end up being the longest week of my life starting with the dreaded question from my dad “would you please do your brother’s eulogy?”
It goes without saying, I said yes. I didn’t want to, I loathe public speaking and even more so when there will most definitely be emotion involved, but my biggest concern was “what do I say about a guy who always lived with his parents and literally never did anything?”
My brother was a Paranoid Schizophrenic and was diagnosed with depression, ADD and FAS or FAE whichever you want to call it.
I love my brother, but he did not do anything with himself, no work, no girlfriend, no job, no nothing. He was 26 years old and lived like he was eternally 14. How could I do a summation of his life when there was nothing to celebrate or point out, and do this without causing my father more hurt. SO I drank a bottle of Rum and this is what I said……
“A eulogy is supposed to be a summation of one’s life and all they’ve accomplished. I could do that for my brohter in about three sentences.
So instead I will leave you with how I’ll remember his life.
When I was 8 I met a sweet little boy who wanted nothing more than a friend to play with and a bike to ride. Unknown to me, I had just inherited the brother I would soon realize I could not imagine my life without. We spent every waking moment together. Riding bokes. inventing games and tormenting the neighbour lady; stealing her crab apples or killing her flowers. No matter what it was, Bryne was game for it. Even something as simple as squishing slugs with suction cup arrows. But that was who Bryne was. He loved the simple things, things that most of us would over look.
Whether it was watching moveis with niece and nephews or sitting by the river with me as long as we could to avoid having to go home and wash dishes.
I find it hard to celebrate a life that wasn’t filled with great moments to look back on. But for Bryne, he seemed to have enough good ones to make him happy.
I got to see the look of joy in a little boys eyes at the discovery that he could find his mommy and she didn’t have to be the woman that gave birth to him. And he had the knowledge that no matter how mean others could be, his sister would always plant her foot in their ass. He had 3 little people who thought the world of him and the comforting security that his dad would always stand behind him.
Bryne was strong. Strong enough to endure the stares, rude comments and the mistreatments from others with a smile on his face or just brush it off.
He was good natured, filled with good intentions even if his execution of them was a little off.
He was kind, he never said a cruel word about anyone even if they deserved it. The other day I heard someone say ‘he lived his life the best way he knew how’. People always say this when someone passes. But anyone who knew Bryne would know there really wasn’t a truer statement.
Despite the shitty hand he was dealt, he did the best he could with what he had.”
My brother left this world on Canada Day, I watched the fire works that night and will do it every year on that day until I too leave this world. I have made a lot of really shitty choices in my life that I should never have walked away from, for a very long time. He closed his eyes one night and faded away. Life will never be a fair game, but I will try to not make those shitty choices so much or so often. But hey I am human right? I have 29 years of anecdotal proof that I am not the best decision maker.
But I can promise I will always watch the fireworks with you

Forever teaching you how NOT to live your life
The Late Mz.R.E

Single Shenigans

You ever want an excuse to make as many stupid and or bad decisions as you can in a short period of time? Two words “Single Shenanigans”. This whole idea I came up with a few years ago that started with a ghetto party. Let me tell you, wait….. No. You don’t need the greasy details of what happened. Just know that is it was probably the best and worst idea I have ever come with. And I can only say best because the outcome from it for both me and the other participant are fantastic.
Now the premise and rules of Single Shenanigans; mmmm…. There are none really. It started because we were both newly single and and weren’t ready to accept spinsterhood or crazy cat lady status. And honestly I believe that we just wanted to let our freak flags fly proudly, openly and without regret for as long as possible.

It was a crazy time that mainly consisted of me calling her up, instructing her she had only a few minutes to complete whatever it was she was doing before I would be there to pick her up and take her to places unknown to complete a night of unplanned shenanigans. It was only a year of this sort of activity, but in those fast paced months of little to no sobriety we managed to wake up in a different town, pass finals, party in the ghetto ghetto style and find those weirdos on Whyte that in the heat of the moment seem like the perfect party companions. We consumed more booze than any human should and definitely partook in our fair share of debauchery.

The end result was amazing. Reconnected with old friends, made lots of new friends, spent many weekends at the beach, many week night at the dodgiest of dodgy watering holes, planned a trip to Australia that ended up being a semi permanent move and making some of the best memories of my life.

When the dust settled we were not tired, but ready and fully energized to continue our lives in new and much more amazing ways and we did.

So here’s to myself and the little mermaid. We may now be half way across the world apart, but I wouldn’t change a minute. Single Shenanigans were single handedly the best decision we ever made.

Until we meet again may your beer always be cold and full and the sun warm and welcoming.

Continuing to teach you how NOT to live your life

The Late Mz. R.E.

Constant game of Catch up

Well ladies and gents let me be the first to say holy hell! what a crazy few months this has been! I must say what a beautiful disaster it has been. Most days I could watch the world burn, using the flames to light my cigarette. Since the very bitter christmas letter I have walked out, screamed bloddy murder, been pushed to the point where violence seemed like the best and only answer to my problems and yet here I sit, no police record and very little scarring. The months that have passed between when I started this and now have definitely been some for the books. I have taken some steps to try to better the quality of life, with a few set backs. Big ones. I truly can say that it is strange to bottom out and it not because of some form of abuse. I am sure that there are some that would say that what the situation I have found myself could be seen as that. But to me it does not feel that way. Although I do understand that, that’s usually the case. But meh bitches, this is the way the cookie is crumbling this month. I hear you’r eonly given what you can handle and when you learn the lesson, it stops. So we shall see. In the mean time, stay golden

Forever your teacher on how not to live your life
Mz.R.E

Merry Christmas Bitches

Now that Christmas is behind us for the next 11 months I feel as I can post my cynical view on it and not kill anyone’s “Christmas spirit”. Not that I overly give a shit, I still don’t want to be Scrooge.
As it stands I have not for the last 10 years been a huge Christmas fan, I did however look forward to the family get together to see who would fight and hear the latest “guess what the bitch about me” because it was a great reminder why I needed to NOT live at home.

I was brought up in a house where Christmas was a constant contest as to who could out do the other when it came to getting presents and for a family that was by far NOT doing so well financially, this was always a feat and often lead to new piles of debt and poverty in the new year. As a kid in this house my view on it was somewhere along the lines of “Who gives a shit! Show me what you bought me!” So as you can see I was well on my way to being such a great addition to society.
Needless to say that somehow through the years with growing up and growing apart I somehow managed to avoid being a completely materialistic twat and tried to keep Christmas more about family than the stuff you get.

This house I was brought up in did teach me a lesson that I have taken with me, and that was during the Christmas holiday and get together, there was never a need to be drunk. There are a few times in the year when even I feel you shouldn’t be sloshed and Christmas is one of them (actually it is probably the only one). Either way, at Christmas lets put away the booze and make the best of it. It will make a great story for the Shrink and give one that solidarity behind why one is drunk within 48 hours of returning from said family get together.

And this year I found that I missed those huge family get togethers. Mind you it has been a few years since there was one and perhaps a combination of my new found poverty mixed with the huge dose of cabin fever I was experiencing at the time just made me long for any outting. Regardless of the why’s of it all, lets not over think this people, I found myself wishing there was a big family Christmas going on. The fighting, the bitching, the debt. HAHA!

At any rate this whole incredibly depressing holiday led to an even worse interim between Christmas and new years. I found myself going through old journals and pictures, not answering the phone and biting peoples heads off, staying up late watching shit I had TIVO’d the day previous PEOPLE I WORE THE SAME SHIRT FOR A WEEK.
It was brutal and I was well on my way to throwing the pity party of pity parties and I smelled.GROSS!

But thankfully I have 3 people in my life that have no social filter or couthe. They love me and let me stew in my own funk and be bitchy, but they know when its time to say “Get you stinky ass in the shower that stain on your shirt is gravy and we haven’t had gravy in the house for almost a week”. And they may not say it in those words but one of them, the most logical with the least ability to sugar coat things, comes up to me and says “Did you really watch that all day?”, the look on his face pretty much spells that out.

And with that humbling moment I had a revelation(and a shower) and realized “Man, I hate Christmas. Next year I’m getting drunk”

Forever your teacher in how not to live your life,
Mz.R.E