on a last minute whim Bella ran out the door and made her way to the pub. it was the peak of summer and everyone was out. the air was … Continue reading Blues and Beards
He said he was going to look for a job. It was later than usual, but not too late to cause her any real concern. Isn’t that always the way. … Continue reading Merry New Year
A shitty person once said “someone has to be the janitor because not everyone can be rich” Bella didn’t want to be rich, she just wanted to be okay. to … Continue reading For Love or Money
It had been a long time since Bella had gone on a date and she didn’t know what to expect.
When the toymaker picked her up they made idle chit chat all the way to the restaurant.
He let her choose. She showed him one of her favorite spots. Best pho you could find around.
They shut that place down. Best conversation of her life. Bella had never laughed so freely and from the belly like that in her life.
He was kind and funny. Witty line Bella and appreciated her dark humour. His lips were soft and his eyes for only her. Bella didn’t realize it yet but there was a calm settling in her soul that would make life feel easy for a change.
His voice was smooth and clear and lively, just like his eyes. It was something Bella didn’t even know she’d been looking for.
They complimented each other in the best of ways.
When they kissed that night, for a brief moment the world stopped and all sound ceased.
It was magnificent.
With that kiss another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late.
You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain.
I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go.
And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement.
You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away.
My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you.
More than anyone I’ve ever known.
You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most.
You are magnificent
Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house.
Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends.
He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.
He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep.
Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over.
She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book.
The Suicide Book.
She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing.
And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus
She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him.
She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him.
But it was the only way.
Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t.
So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat.
That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”.