Tag: memories

Confirmation 

It was confirmation. Confirmation that she had made the mistake. Confirmation of her thoughts when she was younger. Confirmation that she did indeed ruin people. Mostly it showed her what happens when you choose the wrong path. 

She had wanted to save him. To ensure he would always be okay. And not in the delusional “he’s a bad boy maybe he’ll change for me” way. Bella had always been good at reading people and seeing who they were and knowing what they needed. She wasn’t psychic. This wasn’t television. She just had really good instincts and insight. Probably from spending her adolescents smoking weed and watching people. 

When she made the mistake her gut had told her. But she ignored it. He needed her more than she needed people. 

It’s just that Bella didn’t fully realize what she had sacrificed in helping him. She did not realize the price she would pay for this deed and all she would lose in the process. It wasn’t fair. But life rarely is. Maybe this time she would learn. She didn’t think so though. All this has done was prove to her what she’d already known in the back of her mind for years. 

She was forever to be alone. 

And with it she unwove another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. Only one remained and what she did with it we shall see

We will see 

When All Else Failed

She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final Beginning 

She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Suicide Book

She found it on the top of the shelf, tucked away under other old journals. It’s soft leather cover felt familiar and the book itself held and aura of despair. She had thought she had truly shelved this unfinished piece of sadness for forever. Bella sighed as she picked up a pen to continue and yet still leave unfinished the pages of the suicide book. She began the letters…

The final threads of the disentanglement of Bella and Linus  

Sad Ambiguity

It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

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Oh Holidays, holidays, HOLIDAYS!!!

I took a quick look back at this blog I had thought was dead (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to use it on an iPad -you can stop smirking now- and briefly looked back at previous, very old blogs I had posted. And wow, soooo bitter and kinda funny. And now that I have tooted my own horn and can move on with my day I wanted to touch on Christmas. Honestly, we’re about a little passed half ways between it and for anyone, by which I mean everyone, who hadn’t read my previous post; I had written about a rather dismal one just over ago where I had promised to get drunk at the next one. I also complained about wanting a big one again.
Well let me tell you, I did both of those things and it was AWESOME. But because I’m not seventeen and I am sure no one wants to hear about drunken Christmas, I’m gonna get behind the reasons as to how it unfolded. Being a year later and having improved my quality of life somewhat I wanted to make up to my kids for the not so great previous one and for once relax about a holiday that can be tear inducing sometimes. this is not the booze part by the way,that comes later
My children love this family togetherness. I personally am not a huge fan honestly, if you’ve watched Springer, you have seen the potential for most of my family. Haha! oh if I couldn’t laugh at myself….
That being said, I figured why not invite my parents to this Christmas. We’ve all had a rough year and I thought my dad shouldn’t be alone, the kids wanted to spend time with their grandparents and the whole idea makes a person put more effort into the whole thing. The only downside…. My mother would be there. Now don’t get sensitive about moms here. I am well aware that most mothers are freaking awesome individuals and lots of people love and adore their moms. That’s great, the way it should be. Just not how I feel about my own. We have a lot of bad blood and no it’s just from me being an asshole teenager. My father is great.
This is where the drinking comes in
Now preemptively I had booze ready. I had invited a friend over for Christmas Because other wise she would be alone and my boyfriend, which at this time was still a new relationship. As in no one had dropped an L-bomb new, because I had invited my friend and apparently it would have been in bad taste to invite her and not even mention it to him. I don’t know, I never really dated. This was news to me!
At any rate I also prepared myself for the nightmare that spending A LOT of time with my mother in close quarters would entail. And the fact that these people I hold dear would meet my father, with whom it’s important he at least can tolerate the people I like, and my mother to whom can scare away the people of whom I like.

CURRENTLY:

Like a previous post I made earlier, this is rather old, that Christmas was in 2013 and its not half way through 2015. I know where I was going with this, I was going to rant about my mother, say caring things about my father and reflect on the patience of one of my bes friends and my boyfriend at the time. Not now.

From then until now many, many things have happened. I am no longer the boyfriend from this story, and my very good friend has had a lot of crap thrown her way and is in a very different place. I myself have seen much change. And most importantly, my mother passed away earlier this year. And as much I have somethings I wish to say about her, they shouldn’t be the drunken, bitter feelings I had on this occasion.

For the most part this was a great day for myself, my children and everyone else who was there. And I think it should be remembered that way. Despite the all of it and how it all turned out today, that was one of the best days of my life. I’m going to leave on here as such

Forever teaching you how not to live your life.

Mz. R. E.

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Linus

And just when Bella was gearing up for this next adventure, in walked this pony-tailed, clever and smirking handsome man named Linus
He rocked her world. He was this wonderful shining light that broke through the thick dark barrier she had protectively surrounded herself with. After what was the most absolute fucking horrible and the most gloriously exhilarating summer of her life, Linus was this breathe of fresh air. The first person she had met in my many years on this planet who when meeting her amidst all her baggage and chaos, only seemed to find it endearing. He wasn’t put off by it. He was actually much to her surprise seemed on her side. Supportive and chipper and for some insane reason he found her adorable.

When he called her beautiful she believed it without question. He was understanding of all the mayhem that followed Bella and joined her at the lead without hesitation. With a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts he slowly helped her climb from chaos to a better view of what she had. The way the corners of his eyes would crinkle when he smiled, Bella couldn’t help but smile back. The way he would catch her eye from across the room. Something Bella thought would only happen in the movies.

Linus was one of the biggest sources of her happiness. She would never admit, but he knew and she knew. And that was where the first step towards the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

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A Lifetime Of Strangeness

Ooh I think I found a thing. Reflecting! I have been doing an awful lot of that. And frankly I think I just need to get it out of my system so I can quit dwelling and deal with current events. From summer 2013 to this one, the comparison shows a lot of differences. For instance, I was childless for 10 weeks in 2013 and pretty much let off a decade of steam. Inebriation was a thing and adventures were falling into my lap like crumbs off of pastries. It was for all intents and purposes one of the best summers of my life. Despite that I was actually planning on entering crazy cat lady life when summer was over.  It was the best time filled with a lot of shenanigans, like how I woke up in a different town 3 hours before a final exam. THAT I PASSED by the way. Seriously though, the lake and bonfires were my summer. It was the summer you read about as a teen and think ” if that’s real, that couldn’t happen to me” and if it did, you’re pretty sure there were some psychedelic drugs involved there. I had a reunion with an old flame, got some closure. Did a condensed course in English in college and did well and met a plethora of amazingly cool people. Some of which I manage to still talk to. Went everywhere, always had enough of everything and despite how in shambles my life was (by was I mean totally screwed and I don’t know how I wasn’t in my room in the dark crying to Coldplay kind of shambles) I was very content with how things were going. And when at last summer came to a close and everyone returned to their lives, I had no regrets and a optimistic view of my impending catladyhood. It was thing that I was ready to commit to and to be honest cats aren’t really my cup of tea, well neither is tea really, but at this point I really didn’t give a shit. At least I knew what I was getting into with the cat.

At any rate, that didn’t actually pan out. I hate cats. Its a mutual hatred though, they don’t like me either. Probably has to do with the whole one foot in hell, no soul problem. And when I looked back upon the last couple years I also realized that I spend a lot of time in chaos, whether I create it or something else does. I am also a professional self sabotager. Every time I turned around was throwing another chaos grenade or 100% willingly jumping onto someone elses. Never stopping to breathe or react with rationality or thought. For the second time in a row i was finding myself in a situation that I had already lived through and the second round can’t really be blamed on anyone other than myself. No, its not drugs, I am much more creative than that!

Anyways! I’m getting away, REFLECTING yes. I have been doing that lately, I see the pattern the psycho fuck circle I keep going on hoping for a different outcome. I should know that greatness only ever pops up in amidst the chaos in my life. And that is exactly what happened there. What did I do? I RODE THAT SHIT TO THE DEATH!! I don’t recommend it. I ended up in a very similar situation to the beginning of 2013 about late 2014. If there anything learned from that ride on the struggle bus, its that if I can’t find something that I love, don’t do something i despise. And its time to put my big girl pants on do a lot of those things I don’t like doing and to stop making those bad life choices that make me wonder how I lived this long.

And to not forget to do all that of which i love, with people that when i see them, make me feel the same way i feel when i see my favourite food being brought out or hear my favourite song on the radio. Because like i always say. Life’s short, live well.

Perhaps it is time I take my own advice

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.

163

The Boundary

Bella wasn’t the adventurous type. At least not when it came to people. Bella always preferred her adventures solo. But every once in a while her good friend Honey could convince her to step out. It had been a while since Bella and Honey had taken any venture and so Bella conceded and joined Honey in her shenanigans.

On this night they decided to travel to the Boundary. The Boundary was often filled with a cache of different folks and its smell reflected that. Despite the stink the two ladies knew they could count on some fun. They arrived a little later than usual and the Boundary was already packed with mostly unfamiliar faces. Bella took a seat near the back and Honey went and did what she did best. And soon enough Honey returned to their spot with the good sailor and the Toymaker. The drinks and laughs began to flow and Bella found herself enjoying the company of the Toymaker.

When they left, the Toymaker walked Bella home and with more than kind eyes they promised to see each other again. And so one more string unties in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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The Toilet Paper Roll

Its started with a roll of toilet paper. Nothing really significant about it. It was a roll of toilet paper and most likely from the dollar store. But it was always on the floor. Always. Every time Linus would enter that bathroom, he would look down and see it starting back at him from its perch on the floor. And every time he would bend down pick it up and secure it back on the holder in the wall, do his business and leave. When he would return, there it would be on the floor looking up at him again, with a long frustrated sigh Linus would repeat the ritual and leave. This unending seemingly meaningless but ever so frustrating ritual that was repeated a hundred times a day. It’s where it began.

Welcome to the Disentanglement of Bella and Linustoiletpaper