Tag: non fiction

The Curse of Serendipity 

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The clouds floating over her head as the storm rolled in. It was a good relflection of how Bella was feeling about the last year. She wasn’t sure what was worse, that she knew she would feel this way or the can’t that…..

She always stopped there. Because she wasn’t sure finish that sentence. All Bella wanted was someone she could tell her secret to because it was eating her alive. The overwhelming fucking regret some days was enough to bring her to her knees. 
And she wasn’t even sure why she felt this way or why she felt this way. 

Well that’s what she told herself. But Bella knew. She couldn’t forgive herself for watching her heart walk away that day. 

Of course at the time she didn’t m is she was. She had no idea that particular hug was to be the last, or that particular kiss was the last she would taste his sweet lips or feels his strong arms around her. That she was to never see that smile that made her heart jump ever again. 

The Toymaker was her person. She stumbled upon him at The Boundary and it was like no other before. The world has stopped and when it started again, everytjimg about them fell together almost flawlessly. There was a comfort she had never known. He adored her for exactly who she was. 

When they were together the weight she carried felt lighter. She felt peace like she had never even imagined was possible for her. Her soul rested with him. 

And she could tell, she could feel it was the same for him. 

And unknowingly, that day at least, she let him go. 

With his departure, he took a piece of Bella. A piece she would forever feel the absence of. 

In this particular situation it had been his arrival in her life that had cut away a string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. 

The Jaded Truth

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It took a year, a long year of happy and sad and struggle and joy. Oh, the struggle. But she finally knew, Bella finally had her answer. 

The question; “had she made the right choice?” 

Now she knew. 

No.  

She had gone against a feeling so strong she could feel it in her soul and it was eating her alive. 

It fervently ate another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Letter #6

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Dear Eleane

I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it. 

Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air. 

I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them. 

I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive. 

I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together. 

I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them. 

Not enough though maybe. 

You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it. 

Someone had to. 

Don’t ever change. 

You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect. 

Love Bella 

Letter #5

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Dear Dreadnaught,

You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late. 

You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain. 

I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go. 

And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement. 

You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away. 

My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you. 

More than anyone I’ve ever known. 

You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most. 

You are magnificent

Love Bella 

Letter #3

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Dear brother,

Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot. 

Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!

I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad. 

I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you. 

You’re his person. 

Stay golden 

Love,

Trouble 

Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters

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She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.

Taking illicit drugs.

Death.

That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of  the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.

She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.

With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Happy Valentine’s Day 

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On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus