Tag: sad

Letter #5

Dear Dreadnaught,

You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late. 

You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain. 

I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go. 

And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement. 

You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away. 

My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you. 

More than anyone I’ve ever known. 

You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most. 

You are magnificent

Love Bella 

Letter #4

Dear Honey,

I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while. 

You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.

You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic  soul is a breathe of fresh air. 

I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together. 

I wanted to be you when I grew up. 

You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it. 

Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face. 

I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do. 

Stay golden, you’re one of a kind. 

Love Bella 

Letter #3

Dear brother,

Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot. 

Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!

I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad. 

I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you. 

You’re his person. 

Stay golden 

Love,

Trouble 

Letter #2

Dear dad, 

Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you. 

In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got. 

You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be. 

You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side. 

Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.  

You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing. 

You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.  

And that I love you. 

You did enough. More than enough. 

I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief. 

Love, 

Bella 

Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters

She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.

Taking illicit drugs.

Death.

That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of  the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.

She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.

With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

30 Days Til the Sun died

Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Happy Valentine’s Day 

On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Confirmation 

It was confirmation. Confirmation that she had made the mistake. Confirmation of her thoughts when she was younger. Confirmation that she did indeed ruin people. Mostly it showed her what happens when you choose the wrong path. 

She had wanted to save him. To ensure he would always be okay. And not in the delusional “he’s a bad boy maybe he’ll change for me” way. Bella had always been good at reading people and seeing who they were and knowing what they needed. She wasn’t psychic. This wasn’t television. She just had really good instincts and insight. Probably from spending her adolescents smoking weed and watching people. 

When she made the mistake her gut had told her. But she ignored it. He needed her more than she needed people. 

It’s just that Bella didn’t fully realize what she had sacrificed in helping him. She did not realize the price she would pay for this deed and all she would lose in the process. It wasn’t fair. But life rarely is. Maybe this time she would learn. She didn’t think so though. All this has done was prove to her what she’d already known in the back of her mind for years. 

She was forever to be alone. 

And with it she unwove another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. Only one remained and what she did with it we shall see

We will see 

Pretty Shade of Jade

How much was she expected to handle? So many years of fighting for things that were supposed to be hers in the first place. Why should she have to fucking turn it around and build it up after it’s been burnt down or stolen away. When it was her fault, yes she should be the one to fix it. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how those things work. But what about when it was just life? 

A resounding yes plays through her ears. That’s how that also worked. Even when you didn’t expect it or deserve it. You still have to mend it or rebuild whatever life has decided to fuck yo or destroy. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how that works. 

So she did. Using the fire anger powered or the determination of someone who has no plan b or people who have no one to fall back on or help them. 

She did this without asking for pity or help (when it could be avoided). 

But this last time. This time that made it so she could say this has happened numerous times, it broke something. 

Deep down inside her. Snapped so viciously she could hear it in her head echoing like she was in a hollow spot. And when the sound subsided all Bella felt was…

Nothing. 

She’d fix what was needed and then wash her hands of it. She had no fire to push her. Just the mechanical muscle memory to guide her. 

Bella was almost completely void

She set down the pen and turned a page in the suicide book.