Sad Ambiguity

It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

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Sometimes People Need You More Than You Need People

“I didn’t always feel this way, at least I didn’t want to acknowledge it” Bella thought to herself. But lately it would seem as more time was behind her she began to see the wisdom in her youth. Those little tinges and feelings she had always got from her gut that were foreshadowing the future she had always believed was supposed to be a mystery.

As time went on, she found more coincidences in the things she had felt in her younger years. How she had never known what she wanted to do when she grew up (and still did not know), how no matter what wondrous love she would find, there was always that bit of darkness that told her that one was not meant to stay. She HAD felt that when things did finally slow down she would never be destined for the beautiful perfection of “The One”. Which was one of the reasons she always went her own way, always looking for the better situation and being almost completely incapable of making a life decision. She thought if she was meant for something mediocre and calm that she should burn her way as long as she could.

That was of course she never could imagine a reason good enough to make her do what she thought was settling.

Bella had always been great at reading people and situations. Never did she think that the skill that had got her successfully through her journeys be the reason for what would turn out to not be settling or mediocre, and still be the very thing she had feared would happen anyway.

 

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When the Reality sets In

It wasn’t the moment he realized it had been two weeks since she had so much as asked him to pass her the salt, or when he noticed the bathroom door had started to shut and his laundry pile didn’t seem to get any smaller. It wasn’t when she would ask Nose for a favour even when he was sitting right there and more than capable. It wasn’t even little things that he had never noticed until they were gone, like the sound of her laughter when he would tell a bad joke, or the way she had always looked intrigued when he was talking of something he liked even when he knew she didn’t much care for it.

It wasn’t when he walked into the living room and heard her laughing even when he realized he had not heard that sound in a very long time and it hurt is heart that he wasn’t the one making her laugh.

It was when he looked at her one day and noticed something different about her, it took him a minute to realize it but when it hit him, it hurt. The chain and ring she always wore around her neck was gone. Her chain she loved that she had put his ring on. The one she didn’t take off for anything. Had not gone without for years. It was gone.

And so another string came undone in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

ringonastring

Oh Holidays, holidays, HOLIDAYS!!!

I took a quick look back at this blog I had thought was dead (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to use it on an iPad -you can stop smirking now- and briefly looked back at previous, very old blogs I had posted. And wow, soooo bitter and kinda funny. And now that I have tooted my own horn and can move on with my day I wanted to touch on Christmas. Honestly, we’re about a little passed half ways between it and for anyone, by which I mean everyone, who hadn’t read my previous post; I had written about a rather dismal one just over ago where I had promised to get drunk at the next one. I also complained about wanting a big one again.
Well let me tell you, I did both of those things and it was AWESOME. But because I’m not seventeen and I am sure no one wants to hear about drunken Christmas, I’m gonna get behind the reasons as to how it unfolded. Being a year later and having improved my quality of life somewhat I wanted to make up to my kids for the not so great previous one and for once relax about a holiday that can be tear inducing sometimes. this is not the booze part by the way,that comes later
My children love this family togetherness. I personally am not a huge fan honestly, if you’ve watched Springer, you have seen the potential for most of my family. Haha! oh if I couldn’t laugh at myself….
That being said, I figured why not invite my parents to this Christmas. We’ve all had a rough year and I thought my dad shouldn’t be alone, the kids wanted to spend time with their grandparents and the whole idea makes a person put more effort into the whole thing. The only downside…. My mother would be there. Now don’t get sensitive about moms here. I am well aware that most mothers are freaking awesome individuals and lots of people love and adore their moms. That’s great, the way it should be. Just not how I feel about my own. We have a lot of bad blood and no it’s just from me being an asshole teenager. My father is great.
This is where the drinking comes in
Now preemptively I had booze ready. I had invited a friend over for Christmas Because other wise she would be alone and my boyfriend, which at this time was still a new relationship. As in no one had dropped an L-bomb new, because I had invited my friend and apparently it would have been in bad taste to invite her and not even mention it to him. I don’t know, I never really dated. This was news to me!
At any rate I also prepared myself for the nightmare that spending A LOT of time with my mother in close quarters would entail. And the fact that these people I hold dear would meet my father, with whom it’s important he at least can tolerate the people I like, and my mother to whom can scare away the people of whom I like.

CURRENTLY:

Like a previous post I made earlier, this is rather old, that Christmas was in 2013 and its not half way through 2015. I know where I was going with this, I was going to rant about my mother, say caring things about my father and reflect on the patience of one of my bes friends and my boyfriend at the time. Not now.

From then until now many, many things have happened. I am no longer the boyfriend from this story, and my very good friend has had a lot of crap thrown her way and is in a very different place. I myself have seen much change. And most importantly, my mother passed away earlier this year. And as much I have somethings I wish to say about her, they shouldn’t be the drunken, bitter feelings I had on this occasion.

For the most part this was a great day for myself, my children and everyone else who was there. And I think it should be remembered that way. Despite the all of it and how it all turned out today, that was one of the best days of my life. I’m going to leave on here as such

Forever teaching you how not to live your life.

Mz. R. E.

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Little Things

It was those little things she noticed but didn’t. How when he did laundry, only his clothes got washed. How when he thought she wasn’t listening he would grumble and complain if something of his got moved a little to the left to make room for something of hers. That first night when the went to sleep, he didn’t even bother to hold her for even a quick embrace. How with each passing day, he smiled at her less and noticed her even less until one day Bella was pretty certain he had forgotten she was there. It even got to the point where she would hear him come home and when she went to see, he had already gone to see Nose. She wasn’t even worth the greeting. Everyday he got farther and farther away. Gave no hint what had happened to make this so. Bella spent all her time in a low place wondering what had happened. They were fine she had thought. No fights, and then one day Linus had just stopped talking to her. Ceased all communication.

One afternoon she sat with Nose and he asked her where Linus had gone off to and Bella sat stunned as she couldn’t answer. She could not for the life of her remember the last time she knew what was going on with Linus. That was the first string to break in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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A Lifetime Of Strangeness

Ooh I think I found a thing. Reflecting! I have been doing an awful lot of that. And frankly I think I just need to get it out of my system so I can quit dwelling and deal with current events. From summer 2013 to this one, the comparison shows a lot of differences. For instance, I was childless for 10 weeks in 2013 and pretty much let off a decade of steam. Inebriation was a thing and adventures were falling into my lap like crumbs off of pastries. It was for all intents and purposes one of the best summers of my life. Despite that I was actually planning on entering crazy cat lady life when summer was over.  It was the best time filled with a lot of shenanigans, like how I woke up in a different town 3 hours before a final exam. THAT I PASSED by the way. Seriously though, the lake and bonfires were my summer. It was the summer you read about as a teen and think ” if that’s real, that couldn’t happen to me” and if it did, you’re pretty sure there were some psychedelic drugs involved there. I had a reunion with an old flame, got some closure. Did a condensed course in English in college and did well and met a plethora of amazingly cool people. Some of which I manage to still talk to. Went everywhere, always had enough of everything and despite how in shambles my life was (by was I mean totally screwed and I don’t know how I wasn’t in my room in the dark crying to Coldplay kind of shambles) I was very content with how things were going. And when at last summer came to a close and everyone returned to their lives, I had no regrets and a optimistic view of my impending catladyhood. It was thing that I was ready to commit to and to be honest cats aren’t really my cup of tea, well neither is tea really, but at this point I really didn’t give a shit. At least I knew what I was getting into with the cat.

At any rate, that didn’t actually pan out. I hate cats. Its a mutual hatred though, they don’t like me either. Probably has to do with the whole one foot in hell, no soul problem. And when I looked back upon the last couple years I also realized that I spend a lot of time in chaos, whether I create it or something else does. I am also a professional self sabotager. Every time I turned around was throwing another chaos grenade or 100% willingly jumping onto someone elses. Never stopping to breathe or react with rationality or thought. For the second time in a row i was finding myself in a situation that I had already lived through and the second round can’t really be blamed on anyone other than myself. No, its not drugs, I am much more creative than that!

Anyways! I’m getting away, REFLECTING yes. I have been doing that lately, I see the pattern the psycho fuck circle I keep going on hoping for a different outcome. I should know that greatness only ever pops up in amidst the chaos in my life. And that is exactly what happened there. What did I do? I RODE THAT SHIT TO THE DEATH!! I don’t recommend it. I ended up in a very similar situation to the beginning of 2013 about late 2014. If there anything learned from that ride on the struggle bus, its that if I can’t find something that I love, don’t do something i despise. And its time to put my big girl pants on do a lot of those things I don’t like doing and to stop making those bad life choices that make me wonder how I lived this long.

And to not forget to do all that of which i love, with people that when i see them, make me feel the same way i feel when i see my favourite food being brought out or hear my favourite song on the radio. Because like i always say. Life’s short, live well.

Perhaps it is time I take my own advice

Forever teaching you how not to live your life

Mz. R. E.

163

The Toilet Paper Roll

Its started with a roll of toilet paper. Nothing really significant about it. It was a roll of toilet paper and most likely from the dollar store. But it was always on the floor. Always. Every time Linus would enter that bathroom, he would look down and see it starting back at him from its perch on the floor. And every time he would bend down pick it up and secure it back on the holder in the wall, do his business and leave. When he would return, there it would be on the floor looking up at him again, with a long frustrated sigh Linus would repeat the ritual and leave. This unending seemingly meaningless but ever so frustrating ritual that was repeated a hundred times a day. It’s where it began.

Welcome to the Disentanglement of Bella and Linustoiletpaper

The Deviants

The definition of deviant according a dictionary I found on the internet which we all know is always reliable, is “a person or thing that deviates or departs markedly from the accepted norm”. In my current life, deviant is defined by a current group of people in my life that tend to deviate from the acceptable behavior of society. Well at least when out in public. We are a group of 10 rather witty, sarcastic ladies, with the a few cynics and pessimists with a little touch of innocence thrown in there. Our conversations often filled with hilarity and perversion are not things that I would openly admit to people that I wish to continue to think me intelligent and witty.
These ladies and I have somehow in the last year managed to exchange numbers, Facebook information and booze mouth to mouth openly and without regret. So far we have seen some of us puke our guts out, make out in parking lots and roll down hills. We often threaten throat punches and deter from school work for the sake of the joke at a mutants expense. Now before your panties get knotted when I say mutant I refer to anyone that we do not care for, not for anyone who may look or act wierd. For Fucksakes WE LOOK AND ACT WEIRD! But I digress, as someone who entered her educational path thinking “No fucking way am I going to make friends to make friends”. I am not too upset at this failure, it has spurned some of the most hilarious conversations and events of my life. Like the Alabama Tuna Melt. Google that shit, I dare ya. Or the conversations surround the various body parts of the members.
As this group of deviants we have had a tumultuous year. When it began we were all in our own batch of fresh hell that life had dished out to us and was currently trying to fix it individually. Whether it being financial or personal or something we felt to be world shaking, end all of crap situations. And this past year has shown us that we didn’t have to do deal alone and and also that where it all “started” so to speak, wasn’t actually the hardest things were going to get. Or the happiest for that matter. Throughout this year we have seen a messy break up, rumours coming out the ass about certain members, in house fights and unfriendings, only to be friends once again after the dust settled. There’s been new relationships that lasted, engagements and a rehab visit. All for the betterment of the people involved. I have seen who are the friends and who are the passer-bys.
This year haas been a long and hard year for all of us. And not all of us are where we thought we would be. But the point of this whole thing is any that we are all still here and breathing. And in the current light of everyone who has been saddened by tragedy of loss. Whether personal or in the media that says a lot. I’ve always said the school we attend was there for the ones who wanted to use their second chance wisely, so if you’re here. Celebrate it.
Forever teaching you how to not live your life

Mz. R. E.

Single Shenigans

You ever want an excuse to make as many stupid and or bad decisions as you can in a short period of time? Two words “Single Shenanigans”. This whole idea I came up with a few years ago that started with a ghetto party. Let me tell you, wait….. No. You don’t need the greasy details of what happened. Just know that is it was probably the best and worst idea I have ever come with. And I can only say best because the outcome from it for both me and the other participant are fantastic.
Now the premise and rules of Single Shenanigans; mmmm…. There are none really. It started because we were both newly single and and weren’t ready to accept spinsterhood or crazy cat lady status. And honestly I believe that we just wanted to let our freak flags fly proudly, openly and without regret for as long as possible.

It was a crazy time that mainly consisted of me calling her up, instructing her she had only a few minutes to complete whatever it was she was doing before I would be there to pick her up and take her to places unknown to complete a night of unplanned shenanigans. It was only a year of this sort of activity, but in those fast paced months of little to no sobriety we managed to wake up in a different town, pass finals, party in the ghetto ghetto style and find those weirdos on Whyte that in the heat of the moment seem like the perfect party companions. We consumed more booze than any human should and definitely partook in our fair share of debauchery.

The end result was amazing. Reconnected with old friends, made lots of new friends, spent many weekends at the beach, many week night at the dodgiest of dodgy watering holes, planned a trip to Australia that ended up being a semi permanent move and making some of the best memories of my life.

When the dust settled we were not tired, but ready and fully energized to continue our lives in new and much more amazing ways and we did.

So here’s to myself and the little mermaid. We may now be half way across the world apart, but I wouldn’t change a minute. Single Shenanigans were single handedly the best decision we ever made.

Until we meet again may your beer always be cold and full and the sun warm and welcoming.

Continuing to teach you how NOT to live your life

The Late Mz. R.E.

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