Cracks

Here she ended this last decade where it began. Lost, alone, feeling like she had wasted precious time she would never get back. On something that never really wanted to waste time on her.

She was shown again that she is easily discarded, even when she holds something valuable. It’s not enough to give her value.

She never thought someone could make her feel so small.

Yet, here she was. It was largely her fault. She needed to stop living her life with the “lets just see what happens” attitude. Even thought admittedly it had mostly led to some great memories, this time she had lost herself in the journey trying to please someone who could not, who would not let themselves be pleased. At least not by her.

But boy had he fooled her this time. He started out so normal. so nice. Patients and understanding mixed in with severe conviction all in one package. This probably should have been a red flag. One she chose to ignore.

Much to her detriment it was not the only one. The signs only seen after the disaster seemed so clear now. At the time when she was completely submerged in it, she had genuinely thought she was the problem.

She sat there looking at the crumbled pile that was her life. Took a long breathe and started to pick up the pieces of her life.

As she picked up the pieces, one of them broke another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

All Smoke, No Mirrors

He pops in and out, random moments when she least expects. almost like the memory of a deceased loved one. He’s not dead though, just gone. he can be seen sometimes, under the bright lights of a punk rock club or in the warm dark of the boundary. moments of “what could have been” or “what if”. the timeline of their journey together plays in her mind. For a quick second their is insurmountable joy before the crushing sadness of reality. She can still remember exactly what his house looked like.

in that last unknown moment she had jokingly hid a bottle of maple syrup. She never got to tell him she did it and often wonders when he found and if he thought of her when he did. did he smile? she hoped so.

then… it would be gone. the whole memory, until the next time it would play. in that exact sequence, with those exasct feelings. like the slow kiddie rollecoaster that whilefun, as an still didn’t quite go fast enough to make you feel those butterflies in your stomach.

yet still fast enough to cut another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Love and Punk Rock

It was probably the most fun that Bella had had in a very long time. Standing in that shitty dank basement club listening to a punk band she would never remember. Not because they were terrible or hurt her ears through the crappy sound system. Because the Toymaker was there. To him, she was the only other in that bar.

In a few hours they would be having drunken laughs over pancakes, but right now, she was soaking up every minute of this. All of this felt so surreal. She was out doing something she enjoyed, with someone she enjoyed and they seemed to genuinely enjoy her too.

She looked at the Toymaker and he smiled that coy smile, she felt her world shift a little bit. In a good way for once. Her skin felt alight with this tingle that was unknown to her. It felt weightless, every inch of her skin was on fire with this tingling. It was, dare she say… Joy? Yes? Elation? Perhaps contentment?

Whatever it was, it felt warm and positive and she was almost certain that she was glowing from it.

Glowing so brightly that had burnt away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

21 Days Til the Sun Died

She carried The Suicide book with her everywhere. That little purple burden. It was both heavy and light. The place where the darkest and saddest parts of her rested. Bella did not particularly want to carry it with her wherever she went. There was the fear of a glance unnoticed over her shoulder, or the terrifying thought that she would set it down to forget it where it lay. It was similar feelings that caused her to bring it with her. God forbid that Nose came across it. Though he may not mean to be intrusive, she thought he may read it out of concern as he knew her best at this moment.

She felt for the book in her bag, more out of habit and silly, unnecessary worry that a book she knew was there wasn’t. She could feel the leather cover, the way the design of leaves and vine were embossed into the cover. It was there. So she sat down and picked up her pen.

She felt away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Come and Go

One day long ago she watched her heart walk away under a trilby hat.

Bella didn’t know that when he walked away. She didn’t know that was the last hug, the last kiss, the Last picture to be taken.

The last laugh.

The last time she would hear his voice.

Somedays she was not sure who left who. Those are the happier days. On the days where the sun hides behind the clouds, or near certain dates she felt more she left him. Bella ghosted away and hoped that the feeling would fade and with time the memory would become more of just that. A memory, dulled with time.

It still feels new, she can remember it like it happened last week. It’s always fresh and too new and every time if she dare to seek it, she can find where there is a spot empty in her soul. The piece that she gave Mr Trilby, the toymaker, that he kept.

It’s a different kind of empty. Bella knows she will never be whole and nothing will ever fill that space. She may well be forever incomplete.

And also, with him taken, another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

peoplego

Dang Good Date

It had been a long time since Bella had gone on a date and she didn’t know what to expect.

When the toymaker picked her up they made idle chit chat all the way to the restaurant.

He let her choose. She showed him one of her favorite spots. Best pho you could find around.

They shut that place down. Best conversation of her life. Bella had never laughed so freely and from the belly like that in her life.

He was kind and funny. Witty line Bella and appreciated her dark humour. His lips were soft and his eyes for only her. Bella didn’t realize it yet but there was a calm settling in her soul that would make life feel easy for a change.

His voice was smooth and clear and lively, just like his eyes. It was something Bella didn’t even know she’d been looking for.

They complimented each other in the best of ways.

When they kissed that night, for a brief moment the world stopped and all sound ceased.

It was magnificent.

With that kiss another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

596

Somethings Are Better said with the lights out

There’s something to be said about the battles Bella had fought. The years spent in humbling realness doing all she could to keep herself from starvation and homelessness. There’s something to be said about the people who stood by and watched it happen. But she wasn’t about to say anything, she did the “adult” thing, she cut them out accordingly. Using whichever method got the job done best for that particular situation. Some were easy some were tough. Sometimes time did the job for her, others, she had to say those cutting but true things,

Bella had worked hard to survive so she had to ask herself, “How the fuck did I end up here… again?”

This thought made her ponder dark thoughts. Was she the problem? Well yes, to some extent. Was she the reason for the misery around her? Again, a little perhaps.

She sat there staring blankly as her mind, somewhere else, put the pieces together. Everyone around her over time seemed to get over her, feel a strong desire to be free of her. She felt like a heavy burden. She sat there, she thought more on how she could fix this mess she found herself. She could only come up with one not so clean, but at least tidy solution.

There’s something to be said in regaining control of one’s life, no matter how dark or permanent.

With that comforting notion, she wrote another letter. The ink from her pen wrote away yet another string in the disentaglement of Bella and Linus

choices

Until It Wasn’t

She wanted to save him. Not like how other girls mean it. Bella wasn’t aiming to be the girl who changed him and then cried when he broke her heart. She wanted to show him he was more than his wallet or his connections. That he wasn’t dispensable and that someone could and did love him for who he was.

Bella saw him in his most real form. Sure he presented as happy and he wanted everyone to think that. But she could see the sadness in his eyes, the loneliness. He was just waiting for the day she didn’t answer her phone or stood him up.

That was never in the cards.

She loved him from the moment he sat down beside her and said hello. He loved her too. His eyes lit up when he saw Bella.

When they were together they were the closest thing to who they really were that they could be. Relaxed and no one else in the world mattered. It made no difference the story exchanged or the shitty pasts.

For a time it was the truest, most tangible piece of anything Bella had had in a very long time. It was wonderful. Until it wasn’t, of course.

thefool
The fool. Full colorful deck, major arcana. The old tarot card, vintage hand drawn engraved illustration with mystic symbols. Man in costume of harlequin jumping through abyss. Joker and cat.

Signs

They say you can tell how a man will treat you by how they treat their mom. Mostly this rings true, rang true. But there are exceptions to every rule. Like usual Bella chose to learn this the hard way.

This rule like her one other “if the dog don’t like them, you don’t like them”, she ignored them.

But his mother was a shitty mother and despite how crappy she was to him he treated her like a human and Bella like a queen.

The one time they had encountered a dog, its first and only reaction to him was to viciously bite him. Emphasis on vicious. It almost took his finger when it ripped itself away and high tailed it back to its owner.

Despite these two enormous hints, Bella continued on this journey with him. I think it was the adventure and the excitement of knowing he was not someone who would normally be interested in her paired with the fact that she knew, SHE KNEW, that he someone she shouldn’t want to know.

Funny how that works out.

Or doesn’t.

But that wasn’t what she was paying attention to. Instead what she saw was the fact he’d been shit on a lot and left behind consistently by people  he thought he could trust and still he treated others well. Always in a good mood. Taking care of himself and anyone who he felt needed, never asking for anything in return.

Old man eyes in a young mans body. He was an anomaly, the exception to the rule. A huge exception. Bella saw it. It made her want to make sure he was ok. So she knew someone was watching over him.

alreadydisturbed

The Curse of Serendipity 

The clouds floating over her head as the storm rolled in. It was a good relflection of how Bella was feeling about the last year. She wasn’t sure what was worse, that she knew she would feel this way or the can’t that…..

She always stopped there. Because she wasn’t sure finish that sentence. All Bella wanted was someone she could tell her secret to because it was eating her alive. The overwhelming fucking regret some days was enough to bring her to her knees. 
And she wasn’t even sure why she felt this way or why she felt this way. 

Well that’s what she told herself. But Bella knew. She couldn’t forgive herself for watching her heart walk away that day. 

Of course at the time she didn’t m is she was. She had no idea that particular hug was to be the last, or that particular kiss was the last she would taste his sweet lips or feels his strong arms around her. That she was to never see that smile that made her heart jump ever again. 

The Toymaker was her person. She stumbled upon him at The Boundary and it was like no other before. The world has stopped and when it started again, everytjimg about them fell together almost flawlessly. There was a comfort she had never known. He adored her for exactly who she was. 

When they were together the weight she carried felt lighter. She felt peace like she had never even imagined was possible for her. Her soul rested with him. 

And she could tell, she could feel it was the same for him. 

And unknowingly, that day at least, she let him go. 

With his departure, he took a piece of Bella. A piece she would forever feel the absence of. 

In this particular situation it had been his arrival in her life that had cut away a string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. 

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