Thirds and Fourths

The worst about thing being this far down the rabbit hole of depression for Bella was the fact that she was more likely to daydream on the things she believed were unattainable and drift to the past and dwell on the things that she cannot change.

That was her M.O. lately was to dwell on HER. She was an ongoing and past problem that Bella couldn’t figure out how to truly solve. She had plenty of bandaid solutions that would work for a short time, but SHE always managed to weasel her way back in.

Mainly though, as Bella sat stuck in her sea of doubt and constant darkness that depression could be on its worst days, she was stuck in the loop of how SHE had helped her get here. Bella would run the scenario over and over. Compare and contrast the mistake she had made and the choices SHE had made and how they had both contributed this mess. But only Bella had to live with the consequences.

That always filled Bella with rage. Not only because of this situation, but because this wasn’t even the first time it had happened. It wasn’t even the second or third. For the love of everything holy, why the fuck did she keep LETTING her.

Well, because SHE was her mother. Are you not supposed to love and keep your mom?

Another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Nose

He left her alone. Sadly it took longer than it should have for her to realize it, he was leaving her alone. Everyday for as long as he could. Avoidance, on a monumental scale. In the house he had moved her into without Nose’s permission.

They sat there for months before Nose admitted that he knew. She was thankful to not explain, mostly due to the embarrassment that it took Nose saying something for it to finally sink in. She did not realize it at the time, but this was Nose trying to help her feel better. Bella had unknowingly become one of Nose’s closest friends. She had been so lost in her own mind and worried about being a bother to him, that she had failed to see that he had actually went in the other direction.

Throughout Linus’ continuous abandonment Nose and Bella had been almost forced to spend every minute other than sleep, together. Not once had they fought or been short with each other. In fact, they had shared many fits of laughter and gained a large selection of inside jokes. Nose and Bella had exchanged the saddest and most private of moments from their lives all while turning around and laughing in the same breathe.

I believe it was safe to say that Nose and Bella had in fact become best friends.

A bond that had broken yet another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

No Love No Help

It was a gray day. The kind that just killed the spirit after a long ass winter. And it had been a long ass winter Bella had thought to herself. She was walking with Linus from uptown where he had tired to get help to no avail because Bella wouldn’t help him. She wouldn’t lie.

She had wanted to, but she just couldn’t open her mouth to say what she knew he wanted her to say. She had wanted to believe that maybe this would help bring him back to her, but a bigger part of her knew better.

She could tell by the way he was carrying his shoulders and walking slightly ahead of and not with her that he was angry with her about how it went down.

He started to speak, Bella’s brain rushed into overdrive thinking that this could be finally that long over due conversation that she had been waiting months for.

Bella tried to reason with him and use this moment to say some of the things she had wanted to say.

Linus had cut her off before she could barely get another word out.

He yelled “I CAN’T LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TO!!”

It had been the middle of the day in the middle of a busy street. There were cars and people. Witnesses.

She sighed long and hard. Waited for him to continue walking in front her so she could cry in peace, quietly without him seemingly exasperated by her.

They both knew she would help eventually.

She died a little inside with that thought burning away at her already tired soul.

And with it, burned away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Universal Lessons

How the fuck was this real? How was it not? Bella could not imagine life being any other way. She had spent so much time living this way and watching everyone else she was starting to think that she would always be on the outside looking in. Maybe that kind of life was not meant for her. But why wasn’t it?

What made everyone else so fucking special? The universe was playing some kind of cruel joke on her and maybe if she figured out the punchline, it would cut her some slack.

That was a lie, Bella knew it. This was no joke, this was her life and it was absolute fucking garbage. She had done this journey at least once before, only this round was worse. They always were if she didn’t listen to what the universe was telling her. All this was, was the cosmic fallout of this last time that she ignored what the universe was telling her.

That was what she told herself so she could feel a little better in the midst of this particular shit storm that she found herself in.

There was a pattern there though, if Bella stopped the noise and paid attention. She had been here before, sure some of the faces were different. New names, new location. But the important parts, the lesson, the actions. They were all the same. SSDD in its finest. Hidden behind the guise of a new home and a new life adventure.

But it was all the same and even though she could see the forest for the trees, hear the universe yelling at her to “just fucking get it together and do what you know you should be doing”, Bella just could not fucking figure out how. Mainly because she still couldn’t let go.

She did however let go of the another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Dark Waters and Endless Fires

She just felt so fucking unheard. As the old saying goes “her words fell on deaf ears”. It was as though she was screaming under water. The depths were thick with emptiness, so much so that even if she could have produced a sound it would have eaten it up before anyone could have heard. That’s how she felt. Always.

These days her chest always felt heavy, her shoulders heavily weighted. The only thing that kept her on her feet was the continuous burning rage giving her the strength to continue.

How could anyone live like this? Truth is, Bella didn’t know any other way. She had spent most of her life feeling this way. Pushing the hottest, heaviest parts deep down. Often times so deep that she could almost trick herself into believing that she might actually be happy.

It never lasted. Something. Always. Happened. It was a certain as death and taxes. Whatever the catalyst may be, that would be thing that would feed the recklessness that would push her to learn what her limits were… Or weren’t.

No matter how far she pushed (and she had come really close a few times) she remained.

So did the anger.

With that thought, burned away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Wall

It wasn’t that she didn’t clean, it wasn’t that she couldn’t clean. Normally she had a pristine and tidy home. Those feelings though…

She knew what they were, even if she could not say them out loud to explain. Gods knew she wanted to. But that fucking wall. She COULD have a pristine home right now. So many things logical and illogical stood in her way

It was his house and she had a hard time doing things that benefitted him these days.

The fact that having a pristine house right now would mean losing precious sleep to achieve that level and maintaining it. She needed that sleep to help regulate her the best it could.

Mostly, it was that godforsaken wall. Made of despair and self doubt. Fit with all the mouths whispering the bitter truths of her short comings, her failures. Whispering of the things she could never be… never aspire to.

That wall built on sorrow and desperation, decorated with may mouths. All hers. That wall had seemingly grown during this particular time in her life.

It had never seemed so big and Bella had never felt so small

With daunting realness, another string melted away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Lights Lit with Gasoline

She sat there listing all the ways she could validate her feelings. Nose had even confirmed that Bella was right to feel that way. So why did she think maybe she was the problem? She quickly scrapped that notion. Dwelling would not fix this relationship.

Bella began listing in her mind all the ways she could improve. Every once in a while her mind would wander away and she would imagine him coming to realize the mistake he had made, which would then trigger her to see how her feeling this shitty and unable to voice it to him in a way he might believe her this time.

Bella gave her head a shake. No! she needed to focus on the current problem. Her. She needed to fix herself to fix this. If she changed herself to fit his mold this would be better. It was not hard, so why couldn’t she just do it?

And just like that another string burned away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Cracks

Here she ended this last decade where it began. Lost, alone, feeling like she had wasted precious time she would never get back. On something that never really wanted to waste time on her.

She was shown again that she is easily discarded, even when she holds something valuable. It’s not enough to give her value.

She never thought someone could make her feel so small.

Yet, here she was. It was largely her fault. She needed to stop living her life with the “lets just see what happens” attitude. Even thought admittedly it had mostly led to some great memories, this time she had lost herself in the journey trying to please someone who could not, who would not let themselves be pleased. At least not by her.

But boy had he fooled her this time. He started out so normal. so nice. Patients and understanding mixed in with severe conviction all in one package. This probably should have been a red flag. One she chose to ignore.

Much to her detriment it was not the only one. The signs only seen after the disaster seemed so clear now. At the time when she was completely submerged in it, she had genuinely thought she was the problem.

She sat there looking at the crumbled pile that was her life. Took a long breathe and started to pick up the pieces of her life.

As she picked up the pieces, one of them broke another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

All Smoke, No Mirrors

He pops in and out, random moments when she least expects. almost like the memory of a deceased loved one. He’s not dead though, just gone. he can be seen sometimes, under the bright lights of a punk rock club or in the warm dark of the boundary. moments of “what could have been” or “what if”. the timeline of their journey together plays in her mind. For a quick second their is insurmountable joy before the crushing sadness of reality. She can still remember exactly what his house looked like.

in that last unknown moment she had jokingly hid a bottle of maple syrup. She never got to tell him she did it and often wonders when he found and if he thought of her when he did. did he smile? she hoped so.

then… it would be gone. the whole memory, until the next time it would play. in that exact sequence, with those exasct feelings. like the slow kiddie rollecoaster that whilefun, as an still didn’t quite go fast enough to make you feel those butterflies in your stomach.

yet still fast enough to cut another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Love and Punk Rock

It was probably the most fun that Bella had had in a very long time. Standing in that shitty dank basement club listening to a punk band she would never remember. Not because they were terrible or hurt her ears through the crappy sound system. Because the Toymaker was there. To him, she was the only other in that bar.

In a few hours they would be having drunken laughs over pancakes, but right now, she was soaking up every minute of this. All of this felt so surreal. She was out doing something she enjoyed, with someone she enjoyed and they seemed to genuinely enjoy her too.

She looked at the Toymaker and he smiled that coy smile, she felt her world shift a little bit. In a good way for once. Her skin felt alight with this tingle that was unknown to her. It felt weightless, every inch of her skin was on fire with this tingling. It was, dare she say… Joy? Yes? Elation? Perhaps contentment?

Whatever it was, it felt warm and positive and she was almost certain that she was glowing from it.

Glowing so brightly that had burnt away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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