It took a year, a long year of happy and sad and struggle and joy. Oh, the struggle. But she finally knew, Bella finally had her answer.
The question; “had she made the right choice?”
Now she knew.
No.
She had gone against a feeling so strong she could feel it in her soul and it was eating her alive.
It fervently ate another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right.
Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day.
That’s exactly what Bella did.
She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain.
She was half way through the letters
And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
What a strange path I took to find my heart. It has been a strange journey for Mz. R.E. The things I’ve done and seen, the mortal boundaries both thoughtfully … Continue reading Not Quite Whole
She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.
Taking illicit drugs.
Death.
That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.
She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.
With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
How much was she expected to handle? So many years of fighting for things that were supposed to be hers in the first place. Why should she have to fucking turn it around and build it up after it’s been burnt down or stolen away. When it was her fault, yes she should be the one to fix it. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how those things work. But what about when it was just life?
A resounding yes plays through her ears. That’s how that also worked. Even when you didn’t expect it or deserve it. You still have to mend it or rebuild whatever life has decided to fuck yo or destroy. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how that works.
So she did. Using the fire anger powered or the determination of someone who has no plan b or people who have no one to fall back on or help them.
She did this without asking for pity or help (when it could be avoided).
But this last time. This time that made it so she could say this has happened numerous times, it broke something.
Deep down inside her. Snapped so viciously she could hear it in her head echoing like she was in a hollow spot. And when the sound subsided all Bella felt was…
Nothing.
She’d fix what was needed and then wash her hands of it. She had no fire to push her. Just the mechanical muscle memory to guide her.
Bella was almost completely void
She set down the pen and turned a page in the suicide book.
Ooh I think I found a thing. Reflecting! I have been doing an awful lot of that. And frankly I think I just need to get it out of my system so I can quit dwelling and deal with current events. From summer 2013 to this one, the comparison shows a lot of differences. For instance, I was childless for 10 weeks in 2013 and pretty much let off a decade of steam. Inebriation was a thing and adventures were falling into my lap like crumbs off of pastries. It was for all intents and purposes one of the best summers of my life. Despite that I was actually planning on entering crazy cat lady life when summer was over. It was the best time filled with a lot of shenanigans, like how I woke up in a different town 3 hours before a final exam. THAT I PASSED by the way. Seriously though, the lake and bonfires were my summer. It was the summer you read about as a teen and think ” if that’s real, that couldn’t happen to me” and if it did, you’re pretty sure there were some psychedelic drugs involved there. I had a reunion with an old flame, got some closure. Did a condensed course in English in college and did well and met a plethora of amazingly cool people. Some of which I manage to still talk to. Went everywhere, always had enough of everything and despite how in shambles my life was (by was I mean totally screwed and I don’t know how I wasn’t in my room in the dark crying to Coldplay kind of shambles) I was very content with how things were going. And when at last summer came to a close and everyone returned to their lives, I had no regrets and a optimistic view of my impending catladyhood. It was thing that I was ready to commit to and to be honest cats aren’t really my cup of tea, well neither is tea really, but at this point I really didn’t give a shit. At least I knew what I was getting into with the cat.
At any rate, that didn’t actually pan out. I hate cats. Its a mutual hatred though, they don’t like me either. Probably has to do with the whole one foot in hell, no soul problem. And when I looked back upon the last couple years I also realized that I spend a lot of time in chaos, whether I create it or something else does. I am also a professional self sabotager. Every time I turned around was throwing another chaos grenade or 100% willingly jumping onto someone elses. Never stopping to breathe or react with rationality or thought. For the second time in a row i was finding myself in a situation that I had already lived through and the second round can’t really be blamed on anyone other than myself. No, its not drugs, I am much more creative than that!
Anyways! I’m getting away, REFLECTING yes. I have been doing that lately, I see the pattern the psycho fuck circle I keep going on hoping for a different outcome. I should know that greatness only ever pops up in amidst the chaos in my life. And that is exactly what happened there. What did I do? I RODE THAT SHIT TO THE DEATH!! I don’t recommend it. I ended up in a very similar situation to the beginning of 2013 about late 2014. If there anything learned from that ride on the struggle bus, its that if I can’t find something that I love, don’t do something i despise. And its time to put my big girl pants on do a lot of those things I don’t like doing and to stop making those bad life choices that make me wonder how I lived this long.
And to not forget to do all that of which i love, with people that when i see them, make me feel the same way i feel when i see my favourite food being brought out or hear my favourite song on the radio. Because like i always say. Life’s short, live well.
Perhaps it is time I take my own advice
Forever teaching you how not to live your life
Mz. R. E.
The Misadventures of the Late Mz. R.E. 