Tag: memories

Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters

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She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.

Taking illicit drugs.

Death.

That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of  the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.

She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.

With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

30 Days Til the Sun died

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Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Happy Valentine’s Day 

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On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Mother Dearest

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I was 14 years old when I learned that it was actually the norm to not just love your mother but like her, adore her, have her treat you like you are indeed a person. 

I was 16 when I learned that it was common for her to be a close confidant and respected person in ones life. 

My most prominent memories of my mother are of resentment and her treating me like an object she owned and her servant. And for a long time I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. No one in my family ever said different and I just never brought it up to my friends. 

The crazy part is, I found a picture today of myself as 5 year old girl with my mother and I remember it wasn’t like that at all. But I can’t recall when or how it changed. 

I know I changed when she made me reloacte to small town hell and I know she changed when she saw my I unhappiness coupled with her preexisting depression and her troubles conceiving a baby after myself and my brother. Truth be told most who know me know I don’t care for my mother and it would appear that I never have. She was a shitty person. And she did shitty things to me and my brother and dad and she didn’t care. 

She died two years ago. I wasn’t very cut up about it. 

At first  

A month ago I dreamt of her. I was in a community hall back home and it was dimly lit. And sitting around a circular table were all the versions of my mother I’ve seen throughout our life. I was a little weary hahaha! But I sat I wanted to speak to her. And that’s when I realized after this long Fucken internal battle with myself over our life and what she did to me and how I treated her because of it that I felt as though I should be nicer because I love her but at the same time she failed hard as a mother and I just couldn’t ever treat her the way she thought I should. 

I have always loved my mom. But fuck me if I didn’t Fucken loathe her. But 20 years ago I not only loved her I trusted her and felt safe and protected when I was with her. I knew she would kick a baby to save my life. She was this bright, active, caring, intelligent, nurturing woman. She took care of us and she gave a shit. My mom who I had until I was 11 is my mom. I love her and I lost her the winter I was 11. But every now and then I would get glimpses of her as an adult. And I was on that shit like white on rice. I spent every moment she was like that with her. 

My mother was an amazing woman who was too self conscious to see what she was capable of. And her mental illness won the war after a hard year in our family. 

Trust me I am not making excuses for her. She shit the bed hard and failed my brother and myself in the most Fucken epic hurtful ways. She was a cunt for the last 15 years and I made sure she knew I felt that way. 

But back to the dream. I told her that the version in the tye dye with the long hair was my favorite her. She was the mom I remember when I think of the happy. I didn’t like who she turned into. She gave up and took it out on us. Among other crap. 

But I told her she was my favorite version of her and I’m sorry but I hated the others. They betrayed me and stole from me and spread lies and cost us a family member becasue she became a selfish coward and she told me she already knew that and it was ok. She hugged me and we smiled and the dream ended as abruptly as it started. 

And I don’t expect anyone to hop on my theory boat here. But I only dream of people when I truly deep down miss them or need them and I believe it’s really them just because of how I feel when it’s over and the way the dream plays out. 

And I truly miss her. I have always loved my mother. The mom that was there when I was little is the reason I kept coming back and I helped take of her when she was sick. Why I ever stopped my kids from seeing her, why despite the shitty person she was I never totally walked away from her. That part of me just couldn’t let her go. 

Fuck I fought myself for years overnt because I didn’t understand it. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot and I saw the picture today and it just hit me. 

My mom was a great Fucken lady when she cared about herself and others. But life happens and it turned her into a whiny greedy manipulative bitch. 

I loved her everyday even when she sucker as a human because she really was wonderful. I just wish she’d never  given up. 

Shit happens and people are people and sometimes we change our minds. 

Well remember this is Mz.R.E forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

Oh and remember children, love your mother. But you don’t have to like her. At all. Ever. 

Confirmation 

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It was confirmation. Confirmation that she had made the mistake. Confirmation of her thoughts when she was younger. Confirmation that she did indeed ruin people. Mostly it showed her what happens when you choose the wrong path. 

She had wanted to save him. To ensure he would always be okay. And not in the delusional “he’s a bad boy maybe he’ll change for me” way. Bella had always been good at reading people and seeing who they were and knowing what they needed. She wasn’t psychic. This wasn’t television. She just had really good instincts and insight. Probably from spending her adolescents smoking weed and watching people. 

When she made the mistake her gut had told her. But she ignored it. He needed her more than she needed people. 

It’s just that Bella didn’t fully realize what she had sacrificed in helping him. She did not realize the price she would pay for this deed and all she would lose in the process. It wasn’t fair. But life rarely is. Maybe this time she would learn. She didn’t think so though. All this has done was prove to her what she’d already known in the back of her mind for years. 

She was forever to be alone. 

And with it she unwove another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. Only one remained and what she did with it we shall see

We will see 

When All Else Failed

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She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final Beginning 

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She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Suicide Book

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She found it on the top of the shelf, tucked away under other old journals. It’s soft leather cover felt familiar and the book itself held and aura of despair. She had thought she had truly shelved this unfinished piece of sadness for forever. Bella sighed as she picked up a pen to continue and yet still leave unfinished the pages of the suicide book. She began the letters…

The final threads of the disentanglement of Bella and Linus  

Sad Ambiguity

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It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

rope

Oh Holidays, holidays, HOLIDAYS!!!

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I took a quick look back at this blog I had thought was dead (mostly because I couldn’t figure out how to use it on an iPad -you can stop smirking now- and briefly looked back at previous, very old blogs I had posted. And wow, soooo bitter and kinda funny. And now that I have tooted my own horn and can move on with my day I wanted to touch on Christmas. Honestly, we’re about a little passed half ways between it and for anyone, by which I mean everyone, who hadn’t read my previous post; I had written about a rather dismal one just over ago where I had promised to get drunk at the next one. I also complained about wanting a big one again.
Well let me tell you, I did both of those things and it was AWESOME. But because I’m not seventeen and I am sure no one wants to hear about drunken Christmas, I’m gonna get behind the reasons as to how it unfolded. Being a year later and having improved my quality of life somewhat I wanted to make up to my kids for the not so great previous one and for once relax about a holiday that can be tear inducing sometimes. this is not the booze part by the way,that comes later
My children love this family togetherness. I personally am not a huge fan honestly, if you’ve watched Springer, you have seen the potential for most of my family. Haha! oh if I couldn’t laugh at myself….
That being said, I figured why not invite my parents to this Christmas. We’ve all had a rough year and I thought my dad shouldn’t be alone, the kids wanted to spend time with their grandparents and the whole idea makes a person put more effort into the whole thing. The only downside…. My mother would be there. Now don’t get sensitive about moms here. I am well aware that most mothers are freaking awesome individuals and lots of people love and adore their moms. That’s great, the way it should be. Just not how I feel about my own. We have a lot of bad blood and no it’s just from me being an asshole teenager. My father is great.
This is where the drinking comes in
Now preemptively I had booze ready. I had invited a friend over for Christmas Because other wise she would be alone and my boyfriend, which at this time was still a new relationship. As in no one had dropped an L-bomb new, because I had invited my friend and apparently it would have been in bad taste to invite her and not even mention it to him. I don’t know, I never really dated. This was news to me!
At any rate I also prepared myself for the nightmare that spending A LOT of time with my mother in close quarters would entail. And the fact that these people I hold dear would meet my father, with whom it’s important he at least can tolerate the people I like, and my mother to whom can scare away the people of whom I like.

CURRENTLY:

Like a previous post I made earlier, this is rather old, that Christmas was in 2013 and its not half way through 2015. I know where I was going with this, I was going to rant about my mother, say caring things about my father and reflect on the patience of one of my bes friends and my boyfriend at the time. Not now.

From then until now many, many things have happened. I am no longer the boyfriend from this story, and my very good friend has had a lot of crap thrown her way and is in a very different place. I myself have seen much change. And most importantly, my mother passed away earlier this year. And as much I have somethings I wish to say about her, they shouldn’t be the drunken, bitter feelings I had on this occasion.

For the most part this was a great day for myself, my children and everyone else who was there. And I think it should be remembered that way. Despite the all of it and how it all turned out today, that was one of the best days of my life. I’m going to leave on here as such

Forever teaching you how not to live your life.

Mz. R. E.

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