It took a year, a long year of happy and sad and struggle and joy. Oh, the struggle. But she finally knew, Bella finally had her answer.
The question; “had she made the right choice?”
Now she knew.
No.
She had gone against a feeling so strong she could feel it in her soul and it was eating her alive.
It fervently ate another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Dear Eleane
I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it.
Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air.
I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them.
I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive.
I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together.
I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them.
Not enough though maybe.
You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it.
Someone had to.
Don’t ever change.
You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect.
Love Bella
She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right.
Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day.
That’s exactly what Bella did.
She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain.
She was half way through the letters
And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Dear Dreadnaught,
You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late.
You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain.
I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go.
And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement.
You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away.
My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you.
More than anyone I’ve ever known.
You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most.
You are magnificent
Love Bella
Dear Honey,
I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while.
You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.
You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic soul is a breathe of fresh air.
I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together.
I wanted to be you when I grew up.
You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it.
Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face.
I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do.
Stay golden, you’re one of a kind.
Love Bella
Ships. Not just huge vessels that float across the massive oceans and little rivers that spread across our huge planet. Those ships are expensive. But there are some ships that … Continue reading Sinking Ships
Dear brother,
Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot.
Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!
I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad.
I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you.
You’re his person.
Stay golden
Love,
Trouble
Dear dad,
Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you.
In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got.
You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be.
You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side.
Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.
You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing.
You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.
And that I love you.
You did enough. More than enough.
I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief.
Love,
Bella
She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.
Taking illicit drugs.
Death.
That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.
She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.
With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house.
Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends.
He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.
He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep.
Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over.
She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book.
The Suicide Book.
She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing.
And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus
The Misadventures of the Late Mz. R.E. 