The worst about thing being this far down the rabbit hole of depression for Bella was the fact that she was more likely to daydream on the things she believed … Continue reading Thirds and Fourths
Tag: depression
No Love No Help
It was a gray day. The kind that just killed the spirit after a long ass winter. And it had been a long ass winter Bella had thought to herself. … Continue reading No Love No Help
The Wall
It wasn’t that she didn’t clean, it wasn’t that she couldn’t clean. Normally she had a pristine and tidy home. Those feelings though… She knew what they were, even if … Continue reading The Wall
Lights Lit with Gasoline
She sat there listing all the ways she could validate her feelings. Nose had even confirmed that Bella was right to feel that way. So why did she think maybe … Continue reading Lights Lit with Gasoline
Letter #6
Dear Eleane
I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it.
Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air.
I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them.
I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive.
I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together.
I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them.
Not enough though maybe.
You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it.
Someone had to.
Don’t ever change.
You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect.
Love Bella
27 days til the sun died
She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right.
Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day.
That’s exactly what Bella did.
She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain.
She was half way through the letters
And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Letter #5
Dear Dreadnaught,
You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late.
You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain.
I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go.
And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement.
You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away.
My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you.
More than anyone I’ve ever known.
You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most.
You are magnificent
Love Bella
Letter #4
Dear Honey,
I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while.
You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.
You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic soul is a breathe of fresh air.
I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together.
I wanted to be you when I grew up.
You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it.
Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face.
I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do.
Stay golden, you’re one of a kind.
Love Bella
Letter #3
Dear brother,
Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot.
Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!
I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad.
I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you.
You’re his person.
Stay golden
Love,
Trouble
Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters
She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.
Taking illicit drugs.
Death.
That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.
She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.
With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
The Misadventures of the Late Mz. R.E. 