Tag: sad

Happy Valentine’s Day 

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On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Confirmation 

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It was confirmation. Confirmation that she had made the mistake. Confirmation of her thoughts when she was younger. Confirmation that she did indeed ruin people. Mostly it showed her what happens when you choose the wrong path. 

She had wanted to save him. To ensure he would always be okay. And not in the delusional “he’s a bad boy maybe he’ll change for me” way. Bella had always been good at reading people and seeing who they were and knowing what they needed. She wasn’t psychic. This wasn’t television. She just had really good instincts and insight. Probably from spending her adolescents smoking weed and watching people. 

When she made the mistake her gut had told her. But she ignored it. He needed her more than she needed people. 

It’s just that Bella didn’t fully realize what she had sacrificed in helping him. She did not realize the price she would pay for this deed and all she would lose in the process. It wasn’t fair. But life rarely is. Maybe this time she would learn. She didn’t think so though. All this has done was prove to her what she’d already known in the back of her mind for years. 

She was forever to be alone. 

And with it she unwove another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. Only one remained and what she did with it we shall see

We will see 

Pretty Shade of Jade

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How much was she expected to handle? So many years of fighting for things that were supposed to be hers in the first place. Why should she have to fucking turn it around and build it up after it’s been burnt down or stolen away. When it was her fault, yes she should be the one to fix it. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how those things work. But what about when it was just life? 

A resounding yes plays through her ears. That’s how that also worked. Even when you didn’t expect it or deserve it. You still have to mend it or rebuild whatever life has decided to fuck yo or destroy. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how that works. 

So she did. Using the fire anger powered or the determination of someone who has no plan b or people who have no one to fall back on or help them. 

She did this without asking for pity or help (when it could be avoided). 

But this last time. This time that made it so she could say this has happened numerous times, it broke something. 

Deep down inside her. Snapped so viciously she could hear it in her head echoing like she was in a hollow spot. And when the sound subsided all Bella felt was…

Nothing. 

She’d fix what was needed and then wash her hands of it. She had no fire to push her. Just the mechanical muscle memory to guide her. 

Bella was almost completely void

She set down the pen and turned a page in the suicide book. 

When All Else Failed

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She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final Beginning 

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She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Joys of Being 

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It’s that deep down in your soul understanding of “almost doesn’t count”. The overwhelming knawing disappointment in the realization that you’re just not quite accepted. You’re just the seat filler. 

You’ve been talked at, but without the condescending tone. Lived your whole life not ever really trying to belong because you could just feel you didn’t and it would be wasted effort. 

That moment you realize you’re in a full room and no one has noticed you. 

Or forgotten you were ever there. 

It’s the reason you’ve read so many books, learned to enjoy your own company. 

Kind of. 

Oh loneliness how we’ve come to be such great friends. 

Mz. R.E.

The Suicide Book

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She found it on the top of the shelf, tucked away under other old journals. It’s soft leather cover felt familiar and the book itself held and aura of despair. She had thought she had truly shelved this unfinished piece of sadness for forever. Bella sighed as she picked up a pen to continue and yet still leave unfinished the pages of the suicide book. She began the letters…

The final threads of the disentanglement of Bella and Linus  

Sad Ambiguity

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It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

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Sometimes People Need You More Than You Need People

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“I didn’t always feel this way, at least I didn’t want to acknowledge it” Bella thought to herself. But lately it would seem as more time was behind her she began to see the wisdom in her youth. Those little tinges and feelings she had always got from her gut that were foreshadowing the future she had always believed was supposed to be a mystery.

As time went on, she found more coincidences in the things she had felt in her younger years. How she had never known what she wanted to do when she grew up (and still did not know), how no matter what wondrous love she would find, there was always that bit of darkness that told her that one was not meant to stay. She HAD felt that when things did finally slow down she would never be destined for the beautiful perfection of “The One”. Which was one of the reasons she always went her own way, always looking for the better situation and being almost completely incapable of making a life decision. She thought if she was meant for something mediocre and calm that she should burn her way as long as she could.

That was of course she never could imagine a reason good enough to make her do what she thought was settling.

Bella had always been great at reading people and situations. Never did she think that the skill that had got her successfully through her journeys be the reason for what would turn out to not be settling or mediocre, and still be the very thing she had feared would happen anyway.

 

sketch

When the Reality sets In

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It wasn’t the moment he realized it had been two weeks since she had so much as asked him to pass her the salt, or when he noticed the bathroom door had started to shut and his laundry pile didn’t seem to get any smaller. It wasn’t when she would ask Nose for a favour even when he was sitting right there and more than capable. It wasn’t even little things that he had never noticed until they were gone, like the sound of her laughter when he would tell a bad joke, or the way she had always looked intrigued when he was talking of something he liked even when he knew she didn’t much care for it.

It wasn’t when he walked into the living room and heard her laughing even when he realized he had not heard that sound in a very long time and it hurt is heart that he wasn’t the one making her laugh.

It was when he looked at her one day and noticed something different about her, it took him a minute to realize it but when it hit him, it hurt. The chain and ring she always wore around her neck was gone. Her chain she loved that she had put his ring on. The one she didn’t take off for anything. Had not gone without for years. It was gone.

And so another string came undone in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

ringonastring