It took a year, a long year of happy and sad and struggle and joy. Oh, the struggle. But she finally knew, Bella finally had her answer.
The question; “had she made the right choice?”
Now she knew.
No.
She had gone against a feeling so strong she could feel it in her soul and it was eating her alive.
It fervently ate another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Dear Eleane
I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it.
Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air.
I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them.
I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive.
I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together.
I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them.
Not enough though maybe.
You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it.
Someone had to.
Don’t ever change.
You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect.
Love Bella
She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right.
Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day.
That’s exactly what Bella did.
She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain.
She was half way through the letters
And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
Dear Dreadnaught,
You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late.
You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain.
I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go.
And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement.
You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away.
My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you.
More than anyone I’ve ever known.
You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most.
You are magnificent
Love Bella
Dear Honey,
I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while.
You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.
You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic soul is a breathe of fresh air.
I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together.
I wanted to be you when I grew up.
You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it.
Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face.
I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do.
Stay golden, you’re one of a kind.
Love Bella
What a strange path I took to find my heart. It has been a strange journey for Mz. R.E. The things I’ve done and seen, the mortal boundaries both thoughtfully … Continue reading Not Quite Whole
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Dear brother,
Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot.
Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!
I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad.
I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you.
You’re his person.
Stay golden
Love,
Trouble
Dear dad,
Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you.
In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got.
You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be.
You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side.
Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.
You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing.
You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.
And that I love you.
You did enough. More than enough.
I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief.
Love,
Bella
Bella wrote,
Dear 17 year old me,
Where do I begin?
Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy.
I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more.
I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady.
Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school.
Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted.
By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne.
I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.
Everything.
If you ever want to get out of town, be free.
That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.
That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become.
By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either.
That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever.
Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.
Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways.
Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that.
You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that.
Just do what feels right.
Bella
The Misadventures of the Late Mz. R.E. 