Sinking Ships

Ships. Not just huge vessels that float across the massive oceans and little rivers that spread across our huge planet. Those ships are expensive. But there are some ships that are cheaper and available to everyone. These ships are figurative; like friendships and relationships. And the latter as Bella had discovered in the last few years can be a messy huge pain in the ass!
Now it was just Bella’s  thoughts on when these two ships cross lines and combine.
And not so much when friendship turns into a relationship, but more so when relationship lacks friendship.
She believed one can exist without the other, but the other cannot exist without the one. Just as in how one can love without being in love, but one cannot be in love without love in any form already existing.

Bella found herself in that very position not that long ago. Before than she couldn’t imagine a lonelier feeling than just being alone and single with no one. Now Bella could  honestly say that there is no more lonely feeling than being with someone and still feeling very much alone.

It’s like drowning in eternity because she could breathe but she was exhausted and her chest was heavy and her  soul was so deep down tied no sleep could fix it. She almost lost her mind and herself. 

That morning she got that call. Only hours before her mother had texted her phone and Bella had ignored it. 

Unexpectedly to herself the tears flowed and she felt more alone than she had ever felt. When Linus held her and cried with her she felt the burning anger and the tears streamed harder. 

Her mother was dead. The relief insurmountable. 

Another string melted away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. 

Letter #2

Dear dad, 

Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you. 

In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got. 

You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be. 

You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side. 

Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.  

You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing. 

You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.  

And that I love you. 

You did enough. More than enough. 

I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief. 

Love, 

Bella 

30 Days Til the Sun died

Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

When All Else Failed

She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

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