She carried The Suicide book with her everywhere. That little purple burden. It was both heavy and light. The place where the darkest and saddest parts of her rested. Bella … Continue reading 21 Days Til the Sun Died
One day long ago she watched her heart walk away under a trilby hat.
Bella didn’t know that when he walked away. She didn’t know that was the last hug, the last kiss, the Last picture to be taken.
The last laugh.
The last time she would hear his voice.
Somedays she was not sure who left who. Those are the happier days. On the days where the sun hides behind the clouds, or near certain dates she felt more she left him. Bella ghosted away and hoped that the feeling would fade and with time the memory would become more of just that. A memory, dulled with time.
It still feels new, she can remember it like it happened last week. It’s always fresh and too new and every time if she dare to seek it, she can find where there is a spot empty in her soul. The piece that she gave Mr Trilby, the toymaker, that he kept.
It’s a different kind of empty. Bella knows she will never be whole and nothing will ever fill that space. She may well be forever incomplete.
And also, with him taken, another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus
It had been a long time since Bella had gone on a date and she didn’t know what to expect.
When the toymaker picked her up they made idle chit chat all the way to the restaurant.
He let her choose. She showed him one of her favorite spots. Best pho you could find around.
They shut that place down. Best conversation of her life. Bella had never laughed so freely and from the belly like that in her life.
He was kind and funny. Witty line Bella and appreciated her dark humour. His lips were soft and his eyes for only her. Bella didn’t realize it yet but there was a calm settling in her soul that would make life feel easy for a change.
His voice was smooth and clear and lively, just like his eyes. It was something Bella didn’t even know she’d been looking for.
They complimented each other in the best of ways.
When they kissed that night, for a brief moment the world stopped and all sound ceased.
It was magnificent.
With that kiss another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
The clouds floating over her head as the storm rolled in. It was a good relflection of how Bella was feeling about the last year. She wasn’t sure what was worse, that she knew she would feel this way or the can’t that…..
She always stopped there. Because she wasn’t sure finish that sentence. All Bella wanted was someone she could tell her secret to because it was eating her alive. The overwhelming fucking regret some days was enough to bring her to her knees.
And she wasn’t even sure why she felt this way or why she felt this way.
Well that’s what she told herself. But Bella knew. She couldn’t forgive herself for watching her heart walk away that day.
Of course at the time she didn’t m is she was. She had no idea that particular hug was to be the last, or that particular kiss was the last she would taste his sweet lips or feels his strong arms around her. That she was to never see that smile that made her heart jump ever again.
The Toymaker was her person. She stumbled upon him at The Boundary and it was like no other before. The world has stopped and when it started again, everytjimg about them fell together almost flawlessly. There was a comfort she had never known. He adored her for exactly who she was.
When they were together the weight she carried felt lighter. She felt peace like she had never even imagined was possible for her. Her soul rested with him.
And she could tell, she could feel it was the same for him.
And unknowingly, that day at least, she let him go.
With his departure, he took a piece of Bella. A piece she would forever feel the absence of.
In this particular situation it had been his arrival in her life that had cut away a string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.
I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it.
Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air.
I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them.
I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive.
I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together.
I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them.
Not enough though maybe.
You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it.
Someone had to.
Don’t ever change.
You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect.
I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while.
You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.
You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic soul is a breathe of fresh air.
I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together.
I wanted to be you when I grew up.
You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it.
Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face.
I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do.
Stay golden, you’re one of a kind.
Ships. Not just huge vessels that float across the massive oceans and little rivers that spread across our huge planet. Those ships are expensive. But there are some ships that … Continue reading Sinking Ships
Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot.
Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!
I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad.
I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you.
You’re his person.
Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you.
In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got.
You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be.
You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side.
Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.
You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing.
You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.
And that I love you.
You did enough. More than enough.
I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief.
She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.
Taking illicit drugs.
That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.
She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.