Universal Lessons

How the fuck was this real? How was it not? Bella could not imagine life being any other way. She had spent so much time living this way and watching everyone else she was starting to think that she would always be on the outside looking in. Maybe that kind of life was not meant for her. But why wasn’t it?

What made everyone else so fucking special? The universe was playing some kind of cruel joke on her and maybe if she figured out the punchline, it would cut her some slack.

That was a lie, Bella knew it. This was no joke, this was her life and it was absolute fucking garbage. She had done this journey at least once before, only this round was worse. They always were if she didn’t listen to what the universe was telling her. All this was, was the cosmic fallout of this last time that she ignored what the universe was telling her.

That was what she told herself so she could feel a little better in the midst of this particular shit storm that she found herself in.

There was a pattern there though, if Bella stopped the noise and paid attention. She had been here before, sure some of the faces were different. New names, new location. But the important parts, the lesson, the actions. They were all the same. SSDD in its finest. Hidden behind the guise of a new home and a new life adventure.

But it was all the same and even though she could see the forest for the trees, hear the universe yelling at her to “just fucking get it together and do what you know you should be doing”, Bella just could not fucking figure out how. Mainly because she still couldn’t let go.

She did however let go of the another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

The Wall

It wasn’t that she didn’t clean, it wasn’t that she couldn’t clean. Normally she had a pristine and tidy home. Those feelings though…

She knew what they were, even if she could not say them out loud to explain. Gods knew she wanted to. But that fucking wall. She COULD have a pristine home right now. So many things logical and illogical stood in her way

It was his house and she had a hard time doing things that benefitted him these days.

The fact that having a pristine house right now would mean losing precious sleep to achieve that level and maintaining it. She needed that sleep to help regulate her the best it could.

Mostly, it was that godforsaken wall. Made of despair and self doubt. Fit with all the mouths whispering the bitter truths of her short comings, her failures. Whispering of the things she could never be… never aspire to.

That wall built on sorrow and desperation, decorated with may mouths. All hers. That wall had seemingly grown during this particular time in her life.

It had never seemed so big and Bella had never felt so small

With daunting realness, another string melted away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Lights Lit with Gasoline

She sat there listing all the ways she could validate her feelings. Nose had even confirmed that Bella was right to feel that way. So why did she think maybe she was the problem? She quickly scrapped that notion. Dwelling would not fix this relationship.

Bella began listing in her mind all the ways she could improve. Every once in a while her mind would wander away and she would imagine him coming to realize the mistake he had made, which would then trigger her to see how her feeling this shitty and unable to voice it to him in a way he might believe her this time.

Bella gave her head a shake. No! she needed to focus on the current problem. Her. She needed to fix herself to fix this. If she changed herself to fit his mold this would be better. It was not hard, so why couldn’t she just do it?

And just like that another string burned away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Cracks

Here she ended this last decade where it began. Lost, alone, feeling like she had wasted precious time she would never get back. On something that never really wanted to waste time on her.

She was shown again that she is easily discarded, even when she holds something valuable. It’s not enough to give her value.

She never thought someone could make her feel so small.

Yet, here she was. It was largely her fault. She needed to stop living her life with the “lets just see what happens” attitude. Even thought admittedly it had mostly led to some great memories, this time she had lost herself in the journey trying to please someone who could not, who would not let themselves be pleased. At least not by her.

But boy had he fooled her this time. He started out so normal. so nice. Patients and understanding mixed in with severe conviction all in one package. This probably should have been a red flag. One she chose to ignore.

Much to her detriment it was not the only one. The signs only seen after the disaster seemed so clear now. At the time when she was completely submerged in it, she had genuinely thought she was the problem.

She sat there looking at the crumbled pile that was her life. Took a long breathe and started to pick up the pieces of her life.

As she picked up the pieces, one of them broke another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Love and Punk Rock

It was probably the most fun that Bella had had in a very long time. Standing in that shitty dank basement club listening to a punk band she would never remember. Not because they were terrible or hurt her ears through the crappy sound system. Because the Toymaker was there. To him, she was the only other in that bar.

In a few hours they would be having drunken laughs over pancakes, but right now, she was soaking up every minute of this. All of this felt so surreal. She was out doing something she enjoyed, with someone she enjoyed and they seemed to genuinely enjoy her too.

She looked at the Toymaker and he smiled that coy smile, she felt her world shift a little bit. In a good way for once. Her skin felt alight with this tingle that was unknown to her. It felt weightless, every inch of her skin was on fire with this tingling. It was, dare she say… Joy? Yes? Elation? Perhaps contentment?

Whatever it was, it felt warm and positive and she was almost certain that she was glowing from it.

Glowing so brightly that had burnt away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

21 Days Til the Sun Died

She carried The Suicide book with her everywhere. That little purple burden. It was both heavy and light. The place where the darkest and saddest parts of her rested. Bella did not particularly want to carry it with her wherever she went. There was the fear of a glance unnoticed over her shoulder, or the terrifying thought that she would set it down to forget it where it lay. It was similar feelings that caused her to bring it with her. God forbid that Nose came across it. Though he may not mean to be intrusive, she thought he may read it out of concern as he knew her best at this moment.

She felt for the book in her bag, more out of habit and silly, unnecessary worry that a book she knew was there wasn’t. She could feel the leather cover, the way the design of leaves and vine were embossed into the cover. It was there. So she sat down and picked up her pen.

She felt away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Come and Go

One day long ago she watched her heart walk away under a trilby hat.

Bella didn’t know that when he walked away. She didn’t know that was the last hug, the last kiss, the Last picture to be taken.

The last laugh.

The last time she would hear his voice.

Somedays she was not sure who left who. Those are the happier days. On the days where the sun hides behind the clouds, or near certain dates she felt more she left him. Bella ghosted away and hoped that the feeling would fade and with time the memory would become more of just that. A memory, dulled with time.

It still feels new, she can remember it like it happened last week. It’s always fresh and too new and every time if she dare to seek it, she can find where there is a spot empty in her soul. The piece that she gave Mr Trilby, the toymaker, that he kept.

It’s a different kind of empty. Bella knows she will never be whole and nothing will ever fill that space. She may well be forever incomplete.

And also, with him taken, another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

peoplego

Dang Good Date

It had been a long time since Bella had gone on a date and she didn’t know what to expect.

When the toymaker picked her up they made idle chit chat all the way to the restaurant.

He let her choose. She showed him one of her favorite spots. Best pho you could find around.

They shut that place down. Best conversation of her life. Bella had never laughed so freely and from the belly like that in her life.

He was kind and funny. Witty line Bella and appreciated her dark humour. His lips were soft and his eyes for only her. Bella didn’t realize it yet but there was a calm settling in her soul that would make life feel easy for a change.

His voice was smooth and clear and lively, just like his eyes. It was something Bella didn’t even know she’d been looking for.

They complimented each other in the best of ways.

When they kissed that night, for a brief moment the world stopped and all sound ceased.

It was magnificent.

With that kiss another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

596

The Curse of Serendipity 

The clouds floating over her head as the storm rolled in. It was a good relflection of how Bella was feeling about the last year. She wasn’t sure what was worse, that she knew she would feel this way or the can’t that…..

She always stopped there. Because she wasn’t sure finish that sentence. All Bella wanted was someone she could tell her secret to because it was eating her alive. The overwhelming fucking regret some days was enough to bring her to her knees. 
And she wasn’t even sure why she felt this way or why she felt this way. 

Well that’s what she told herself. But Bella knew. She couldn’t forgive herself for watching her heart walk away that day. 

Of course at the time she didn’t m is she was. She had no idea that particular hug was to be the last, or that particular kiss was the last she would taste his sweet lips or feels his strong arms around her. That she was to never see that smile that made her heart jump ever again. 

The Toymaker was her person. She stumbled upon him at The Boundary and it was like no other before. The world has stopped and when it started again, everytjimg about them fell together almost flawlessly. There was a comfort she had never known. He adored her for exactly who she was. 

When they were together the weight she carried felt lighter. She felt peace like she had never even imagined was possible for her. Her soul rested with him. 

And she could tell, she could feel it was the same for him. 

And unknowingly, that day at least, she let him go. 

With his departure, he took a piece of Bella. A piece she would forever feel the absence of. 

In this particular situation it had been his arrival in her life that had cut away a string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. 

Letter #6

Dear Eleane

I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it. 

Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air. 

I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them. 

I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive. 

I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together. 

I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them. 

Not enough though maybe. 

You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it. 

Someone had to. 

Don’t ever change. 

You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect. 

Love Bella 

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑