“How the fuck did I end up here again?” Bella thought to herself. She was sitting on Nose’s couch, cried out and exhausted. He had left her stranded in one … Continue reading Full Circle
He said he was going to look for a job. It was later than usual, but not too late to cause her any real concern. Isn’t that always the way. … Continue reading Merry New Year
A shitty person once said “someone has to be the janitor because not everyone can be rich” Bella didn’t want to be rich, she just wanted to be okay. to … Continue reading For Love or Money
It was the need for him to acknowledge her. To look at her, address her. Anything. She clawed for that Maybe. “maybe” he would look at her and she would … Continue reading Maybe
The worst about thing being this far down the rabbit hole of depression for Bella was the fact that she was more likely to daydream on the things she believed … Continue reading Thirds and Fourths
It was a gray day. The kind that just killed the spirit after a long ass winter. And it had been a long ass winter Bella had thought to herself. … Continue reading No Love No Help
It wasn’t that she didn’t clean, it wasn’t that she couldn’t clean. Normally she had a pristine and tidy home. Those feelings though… She knew what they were, even if … Continue reading The Wall
She sat there listing all the ways she could validate her feelings. Nose had even confirmed that Bella was right to feel that way. So why did she think maybe … Continue reading Lights Lit with Gasoline
I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it.
Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air.
I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them.
I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive.
I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together.
I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them.
Not enough though maybe.
You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it.
Someone had to.
Don’t ever change.
You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect.
She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right.
Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day.
That’s exactly what Bella did.
She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain.
She was half way through the letters
And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.