Tag: depression

Letter #6

Dear Eleane

I suck, I know it. But I’m tired and over it. 

Everybody leaves. As soon as shit gets heavy or I disagree. They just cast me away or leave me behind. And I mean all of them. None of u have loved sparkly clean lives. But there’s never any room for trust or forgiveness. Or strength. And I guess I fall short there too. I’m tired of being alone. Of reaching out and feeling only empty air. 

I know you’re mad at me for this. And I know the rest won’t bat an eye. But I hope they rot. That they feel the weight of their shitty existence. Those regrets that they’ll spout. I hope they choke on them. 

I try not to hold in the bitterness. But it happened and it ate me alive. 

I gave away so many pieces of myself, I forgot to hold onto something good to keep myself together. 

I was a shell going through the motions. Terrified of what was to come. I could no longer see the lighter side or the light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I looked it was dark and lonely. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I hope one day you’ll move on from the anger and remember out good memories. Because there was a lot of them. 

Not enough though maybe. 

You turned out to be so levelheaded and okay. I am glad to see that despite the instability of our youth and family that one of us made it. 

Someone had to. 

Don’t ever change. 

You’re wonderfully perfectly imperfect. 

Love Bella 

27 days til the sun died 

She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right. 

Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day. 

That’s exactly what Bella did. 

She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain. 

She was half way through the letters

And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.