Dark Waters and Endless Fires

She just felt so fucking unheard. As the old saying goes “her words fell on deaf ears”. It was as though she was screaming under water. The depths were thick with emptiness, so much so that even if she could have produced a sound it would have eaten it up before anyone could have heard. That’s how she felt. Always.

These days her chest always felt heavy, her shoulders heavily weighted. The only thing that kept her on her feet was the continuous burning rage giving her the strength to continue.

How could anyone live like this? Truth is, Bella didn’t know any other way. She had spent most of her life feeling this way. Pushing the hottest, heaviest parts deep down. Often times so deep that she could almost trick herself into believing that she might actually be happy.

It never lasted. Something. Always. Happened. It was a certain as death and taxes. Whatever the catalyst may be, that would be thing that would feed the recklessness that would push her to learn what her limits were… Or weren’t.

No matter how far she pushed (and she had come really close a few times) she remained.

So did the anger.

With that thought, burned away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Not Quite Whole

What a strange path I took to find my heart.

It has been a strange journey for Mz. R.E.

The things I’ve done and seen, the mortal boundaries both thoughtfully and carefully pushed. I have not had any lasting regrets.

WHOA! Whoa! whoa! Let’s just just halt that weepy Fucken pity party about to be started. 

Also, I have a huge list of anecdotal proof of fucking regrets and whoopsy-doodles. I just repress them like all you other normal folk. Bottle that shit up and add it to the fiery inferno that fuels my temper. 

It’s great being me. 

Oh! And those mortal boundaries were not thoughtfully or carefully pushed. I plunged in like jumping into the deep end at the pool when you don’t know how to swim. 

I started this post a few months ago and I was must’ve been pregnant or unknowingly on DMT or something. 

Holy fuck I have lived crazily and wrecklessly. I have had no regard for my own mortality and did not care for others feelings either. Fuck that noise! I hustled and burned bridges openly and without regret and cut ties with shitty people and partied my ass off. Literally. So thin. So hot. 

And I fell down the rabbit hole and hated myself and recovered and did it all again. Queen of sadism and self saboteur extraordinaire. 

Know what? I did find my heart. That missing piece of my soul. Perfect fucking contentment. I was content and at peace. The inferno was barely smouldering. 

Know what else? I let that go. 

I Fucken ghosted like a bitch and that shit is haunting. The inferno has never been so hot. 

Don’t fucking do that. Ever. 

Forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

The Late Mz.R.E

Letter #1

Bella wrote, 

Dear 17 year old me,

Where do I begin? 

Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy. 

I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more. 

I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady. 

Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school. 

Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted. 

By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne. 

I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.

Everything. 

If you ever want to get out of town, be free. 

That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.  

That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become. 

By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either. 

That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever. 

Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.  

Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways. 

Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that. 

You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that. 

Just do what feels right. 

Bella 

30 Days Til the Sun died

Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Pretty Shade of Jade

How much was she expected to handle? So many years of fighting for things that were supposed to be hers in the first place. Why should she have to fucking turn it around and build it up after it’s been burnt down or stolen away. When it was her fault, yes she should be the one to fix it. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how those things work. But what about when it was just life? 

A resounding yes plays through her ears. That’s how that also worked. Even when you didn’t expect it or deserve it. You still have to mend it or rebuild whatever life has decided to fuck yo or destroy. Accountability and responsibility. That’s how that works. 

So she did. Using the fire anger powered or the determination of someone who has no plan b or people who have no one to fall back on or help them. 

She did this without asking for pity or help (when it could be avoided). 

But this last time. This time that made it so she could say this has happened numerous times, it broke something. 

Deep down inside her. Snapped so viciously she could hear it in her head echoing like she was in a hollow spot. And when the sound subsided all Bella felt was…

Nothing. 

She’d fix what was needed and then wash her hands of it. She had no fire to push her. Just the mechanical muscle memory to guide her. 

Bella was almost completely void

She set down the pen and turned a page in the suicide book. 

When All Else Failed

She had never felt so fucking crazy in her life! No matter what she said or did, whether she just went along or finally gave Linus a piece of her mind, it would get turned around some how. She would end up crying and confused wondering what happened. How it was her fault and how she could fix it. Bella burned the candle at both ends trying to fix this mess she’d made. How could she make Linus see that things would get better. That she still loved him the same and he loved her. 

Many times her thoughts went to just ending it. Fortunately that wasn’t her way. She didn’t believe in it. There was always another way. Or so she thought, until Linus insisted that she go to the doctor and get medication for there issues. As she was exiting the pharmacy staring at the little blue bottle which held a means to an end inside it did she reconsider. 

Seriously reconsider. 

Bella had once read that if you were serious you should set a date. Give yourself enough time to take care of all the things one found important. 

She gave her self a month, and hence began the suicide book. 

And with it another string broke in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final Beginning 

She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Joys of Being 

It’s that deep down in your soul understanding of “almost doesn’t count”. The overwhelming knawing disappointment in the realization that you’re just not quite accepted. You’re just the seat filler. 

You’ve been talked at, but without the condescending tone. Lived your whole life not ever really trying to belong because you could just feel you didn’t and it would be wasted effort. 

That moment you realize you’re in a full room and no one has noticed you. 

Or forgotten you were ever there. 

It’s the reason you’ve read so many books, learned to enjoy your own company. 

Kind of. 

Oh loneliness how we’ve come to be such great friends. 

Mz. R.E.

The Suicide Book

She found it on the top of the shelf, tucked away under other old journals. It’s soft leather cover felt familiar and the book itself held and aura of despair. She had thought she had truly shelved this unfinished piece of sadness for forever. Bella sighed as she picked up a pen to continue and yet still leave unfinished the pages of the suicide book. She began the letters…

The final threads of the disentanglement of Bella and Linus  

Sad Ambiguity

It didn’t feel good, didn’t feel bad, but it felt right. Bella and Linus and been sitting on this for so long. Each person going back and forth with their emotions. Never quite getting to the same page at the same time. It was as though they played tug of war, the other one puling their companion back as they tried to flee. Only on this last final round when it was Bella’s turn to pull Linus, she let him go. And in this where Linus always tried to so hard to get away, he halted his steps and turned around. He saw Bella standing there, face expressionless but there was a sadness in her eyes. For he all he knew though, it was the just a reflection of what shone from his. It was the last and final string and much surprise to both parties, it was Bella who let it go. She did not cut it or toss it carelessly, but simply and knowingly let it go.

It was nearing the last of the strings to be cut in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

 

rope

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