Bella sat on a rooftop enjoying a beer in the sun. It had been a long time since Bella had felt this nice. The sun was warm on her face … Continue reading Sunshine and Fireworks
This was not how she imagined that she would spend her adult life. Her old tricks were starting to lose potency and she felt like she was running out of … Continue reading Welcome
She had developed this shitty habit. On the not so rare occasion that Linus left her alone, she had started going through his stuff. To be real, Bella was snooping. … Continue reading Snooping
Bella knew there was no going back, she would never be who she once was. She felt like she had lost her edge and was exhausted in a way that … Continue reading The Return and The Reality
She still looked down his street every time she drove past. It was more habit than curiousity these days, still she had to admit she was still a little curious. … Continue reading Aftermath
on a last minute whim Bella ran out the door and made her way to the pub. it was the peak of summer and everyone was out. the air was … Continue reading Blues and Beards
She just felt so fucking unheard. As the old saying goes “her words fell on deaf ears”. It was as though she was screaming under water. The depths were thick … Continue reading Dark Waters and Endless Fires
What a strange path I took to find my heart. It has been a strange journey for Mz. R.E. The things I’ve done and seen, the mortal boundaries both thoughtfully … Continue reading Not Quite Whole
Dear 17 year old me,
Where do I begin?
Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy.
I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more.
I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady.
Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school.
Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted.
By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne.
I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.
If you ever want to get out of town, be free.
That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.
That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become.
By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either.
That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever.
Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.
Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways.
Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that.
You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that.
Just do what feels right.
Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house.
Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends.
He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.
He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep.
Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over.
She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book.
The Suicide Book.
She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing.
And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus