Tag: memories

Letter #5

Dear Dreadnaught,

You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late. 

You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain. 

I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go. 

And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement. 

You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away. 

My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you. 

More than anyone I’ve ever known. 

You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most. 

You are magnificent

Love Bella 

Letter #4

Dear Honey,

I wish I had more than a letter to tell you, to show you I appreciate you. Our friendship feels very uneven. You give a lot and never ask for anything in return other than an organized shelf every once in a while. 

You’re such a happy, positive person that it took me a couple years to stop wondering why you were my friend.

You’ve always been there when I needed you. Your honesty is refreshing and your open, optimistic  soul is a breathe of fresh air. 

I hope wherever you go, whatever you do, good things follow. You really have your shit together. 

I wanted to be you when I grew up. 

You have a beautiful family and I am supper appreciative that you let me into it. 

Our whole friendship story is hilarious and brings a smile to my face. 

I really do wish I could do more than continually say thank you. But right it’s all I can do. 

Stay golden, you’re one of a kind. 

Love Bella 

Letter #3

Dear brother,

Thanks for putting up with my for so long. Listening to my crazy all the time. Means a lot. 

Never have I met anyone like you. I think that’s a good thing. Haha!

I don’t have much to say. I know you’ll be okay. I know you’ll be mad at me for a long time. And sad. 

I guess make sure Linus will be too. I think he will be, but he seems to need you. 

You’re his person. 

Stay golden 

Love,

Trouble 

Letter #1

Bella wrote, 

Dear 17 year old me,

Where do I begin? 

Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy. 

I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more. 

I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady. 

Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school. 

Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted. 

By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne. 

I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.

Everything. 

If you ever want to get out of town, be free. 

That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.  

That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become. 

By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either. 

That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever. 

Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.  

Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways. 

Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that. 

You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that. 

Just do what feels right. 

Bella 

Don’t Forget to Write Those Letters

She had looked it up, like she did everything. Bella did as little as possible blindly when it came to the weirdest things.

Taking illicit drugs.

Death.

That’s why she chose the date. If she felt better at the end of  the preparation she wouldn’t mail the letters. Otherwise, Linus had a package of postage stamps she would use if needed.

She started with the person she who came to mind first to whom she felt was most important, For once it was not him. She would save Linus for last. Her life felt desolate enough when it came to him at the moment.

With that another string cut away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

30 Days Til the Sun died

Slowly over time she noticed him removing things that got mixed in with hers. Everyday day Linus shared less and less until she didn’t even know where he was going or what was going on in his life outside the house. 

Linus became cold and seemed to be forcing even the simplest civility when talking with her. On a good day if she was lucky he would hug her like he hugged his friends. 

He didn’t look at her like he used to. In fact he barely looked in her direction. When he did touch Bella, it lacked compassion.  

He didn’t listen to her and when they were alone he didn’t talk to her. He would just fade out and sleep. 

Bella began to dread these moments. Being at home was almost unbearable and she loathed when work was over. 

She looked down at her coffee table at the purple book. That book. 

The Suicide Book. 

She thought to herself “I need to remember to write those letters”. She picked up the book and pen and sat in a quiet corner of their house and began writing. 

And with each letter, each word another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Happy Valentine’s Day 

On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

Mother Dearest

I was 14 years old when I learned that it was actually the norm to not just love your mother but like her, adore her, have her treat you like you are indeed a person. 

I was 16 when I learned that it was common for her to be a close confidant and respected person in ones life. 

My most prominent memories of my mother are of resentment and her treating me like an object she owned and her servant. And for a long time I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. No one in my family ever said different and I just never brought it up to my friends. 

The crazy part is, I found a picture today of myself as 5 year old girl with my mother and I remember it wasn’t like that at all. But I can’t recall when or how it changed. 

I know I changed when she made me reloacte to small town hell and I know she changed when she saw my I unhappiness coupled with her preexisting depression and her troubles conceiving a baby after myself and my brother. Truth be told most who know me know I don’t care for my mother and it would appear that I never have. She was a shitty person. And she did shitty things to me and my brother and dad and she didn’t care. 

She died two years ago. I wasn’t very cut up about it. 

At first  

A month ago I dreamt of her. I was in a community hall back home and it was dimly lit. And sitting around a circular table were all the versions of my mother I’ve seen throughout our life. I was a little weary hahaha! But I sat I wanted to speak to her. And that’s when I realized after this long Fucken internal battle with myself over our life and what she did to me and how I treated her because of it that I felt as though I should be nicer because I love her but at the same time she failed hard as a mother and I just couldn’t ever treat her the way she thought I should. 

I have always loved my mom. But fuck me if I didn’t Fucken loathe her. But 20 years ago I not only loved her I trusted her and felt safe and protected when I was with her. I knew she would kick a baby to save my life. She was this bright, active, caring, intelligent, nurturing woman. She took care of us and she gave a shit. My mom who I had until I was 11 is my mom. I love her and I lost her the winter I was 11. But every now and then I would get glimpses of her as an adult. And I was on that shit like white on rice. I spent every moment she was like that with her. 

My mother was an amazing woman who was too self conscious to see what she was capable of. And her mental illness won the war after a hard year in our family. 

Trust me I am not making excuses for her. She shit the bed hard and failed my brother and myself in the most Fucken epic hurtful ways. She was a cunt for the last 15 years and I made sure she knew I felt that way. 

But back to the dream. I told her that the version in the tye dye with the long hair was my favorite her. She was the mom I remember when I think of the happy. I didn’t like who she turned into. She gave up and took it out on us. Among other crap. 

But I told her she was my favorite version of her and I’m sorry but I hated the others. They betrayed me and stole from me and spread lies and cost us a family member becasue she became a selfish coward and she told me she already knew that and it was ok. She hugged me and we smiled and the dream ended as abruptly as it started. 

And I don’t expect anyone to hop on my theory boat here. But I only dream of people when I truly deep down miss them or need them and I believe it’s really them just because of how I feel when it’s over and the way the dream plays out. 

And I truly miss her. I have always loved my mother. The mom that was there when I was little is the reason I kept coming back and I helped take of her when she was sick. Why I ever stopped my kids from seeing her, why despite the shitty person she was I never totally walked away from her. That part of me just couldn’t let her go. 

Fuck I fought myself for years overnt because I didn’t understand it. But I’ve been thinking about her a lot and I saw the picture today and it just hit me. 

My mom was a great Fucken lady when she cared about herself and others. But life happens and it turned her into a whiny greedy manipulative bitch. 

I loved her everyday even when she sucker as a human because she really was wonderful. I just wish she’d never  given up. 

Shit happens and people are people and sometimes we change our minds. 

Well remember this is Mz.R.E forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

Oh and remember children, love your mother. But you don’t have to like her. At all. Ever.