Maybe

It was the need for him to acknowledge her. To look at her, address her. Anything. She clawed for that Maybe. “maybe” he would look at her and she would see that sparkle in his eyes returned with the original passion. Maybe he would remember she made him laugh or Maybe he would remember that when no one else was putting up with his shit, she was. Maybe he would remember he loved her. He knew she loved him. But that was a tale for another day.

For him to willingly include her in his conversation. She was still invested in his life. He let her be invested in his life. He would be sweet when and only when he wanted something from her. She knew it, she could see it. It was her overwhelming need to be included by him.

Linus was such a fucking prick.

Was that spark even ever really there?

Maybe.

Thirds and Fourths

The worst about thing being this far down the rabbit hole of depression for Bella was the fact that she was more likely to daydream on the things she believed were unattainable and drift to the past and dwell on the things that she cannot change.

That was her M.O. lately was to dwell on HER. She was an ongoing and past problem that Bella couldn’t figure out how to truly solve. She had plenty of bandaid solutions that would work for a short time, but SHE always managed to weasel her way back in.

Mainly though, as Bella sat stuck in her sea of doubt and constant darkness that depression could be on its worst days, she was stuck in the loop of how SHE had helped her get here. Bella would run the scenario over and over. Compare and contrast the mistake she had made and the choices SHE had made and how they had both contributed this mess. But only Bella had to live with the consequences.

That always filled Bella with rage. Not only because of this situation, but because this wasn’t even the first time it had happened. It wasn’t even the second or third. For the love of everything holy, why the fuck did she keep LETTING her.

Well, because SHE was her mother. Are you not supposed to love and keep your mom?

Another string disintegrated in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Nose

He left her alone. Sadly it took longer than it should have for her to realize it, he was leaving her alone. Everyday for as long as he could. Avoidance, on a monumental scale. In the house he had moved her into without Nose’s permission.

They sat there for months before Nose admitted that he knew. She was thankful to not explain, mostly due to the embarrassment that it took Nose saying something for it to finally sink in. She did not realize it at the time, but this was Nose trying to help her feel better. Bella had unknowingly become one of Nose’s closest friends. She had been so lost in her own mind and worried about being a bother to him, that she had failed to see that he had actually went in the other direction.

Throughout Linus’ continuous abandonment Nose and Bella had been almost forced to spend every minute other than sleep, together. Not once had they fought or been short with each other. In fact, they had shared many fits of laughter and gained a large selection of inside jokes. Nose and Bella had exchanged the saddest and most private of moments from their lives all while turning around and laughing in the same breathe.

I believe it was safe to say that Nose and Bella had in fact become best friends.

A bond that had broken yet another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

No Love No Help

It was a gray day. The kind that just killed the spirit after a long ass winter. And it had been a long ass winter Bella had thought to herself. She was walking with Linus from uptown where he had tired to get help to no avail because Bella wouldn’t help him. She wouldn’t lie.

She had wanted to, but she just couldn’t open her mouth to say what she knew he wanted her to say. She had wanted to believe that maybe this would help bring him back to her, but a bigger part of her knew better.

She could tell by the way he was carrying his shoulders and walking slightly ahead of and not with her that he was angry with her about how it went down.

He started to speak, Bella’s brain rushed into overdrive thinking that this could be finally that long over due conversation that she had been waiting months for.

Bella tried to reason with him and use this moment to say some of the things she had wanted to say.

Linus had cut her off before she could barely get another word out.

He yelled “I CAN’T LOVE YOU LIKE YOU WANT ME TO!!”

It had been the middle of the day in the middle of a busy street. There were cars and people. Witnesses.

She sighed long and hard. Waited for him to continue walking in front her so she could cry in peace, quietly without him seemingly exasperated by her.

They both knew she would help eventually.

She died a little inside with that thought burning away at her already tired soul.

And with it, burned away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Universal Lessons

How the fuck was this real? How was it not? Bella could not imagine life being any other way. She had spent so much time living this way and watching everyone else she was starting to think that she would always be on the outside looking in. Maybe that kind of life was not meant for her. But why wasn’t it?

What made everyone else so fucking special? The universe was playing some kind of cruel joke on her and maybe if she figured out the punchline, it would cut her some slack.

That was a lie, Bella knew it. This was no joke, this was her life and it was absolute fucking garbage. She had done this journey at least once before, only this round was worse. They always were if she didn’t listen to what the universe was telling her. All this was, was the cosmic fallout of this last time that she ignored what the universe was telling her.

That was what she told herself so she could feel a little better in the midst of this particular shit storm that she found herself in.

There was a pattern there though, if Bella stopped the noise and paid attention. She had been here before, sure some of the faces were different. New names, new location. But the important parts, the lesson, the actions. They were all the same. SSDD in its finest. Hidden behind the guise of a new home and a new life adventure.

But it was all the same and even though she could see the forest for the trees, hear the universe yelling at her to “just fucking get it together and do what you know you should be doing”, Bella just could not fucking figure out how. Mainly because she still couldn’t let go.

She did however let go of the another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

Dark Waters and Endless Fires

She just felt so fucking unheard. As the old saying goes “her words fell on deaf ears”. It was as though she was screaming under water. The depths were thick with emptiness, so much so that even if she could have produced a sound it would have eaten it up before anyone could have heard. That’s how she felt. Always.

These days her chest always felt heavy, her shoulders heavily weighted. The only thing that kept her on her feet was the continuous burning rage giving her the strength to continue.

How could anyone live like this? Truth is, Bella didn’t know any other way. She had spent most of her life feeling this way. Pushing the hottest, heaviest parts deep down. Often times so deep that she could almost trick herself into believing that she might actually be happy.

It never lasted. Something. Always. Happened. It was a certain as death and taxes. Whatever the catalyst may be, that would be thing that would feed the recklessness that would push her to learn what her limits were… Or weren’t.

No matter how far she pushed (and she had come really close a few times) she remained.

So did the anger.

With that thought, burned away another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Wall

It wasn’t that she didn’t clean, it wasn’t that she couldn’t clean. Normally she had a pristine and tidy home. Those feelings though…

She knew what they were, even if she could not say them out loud to explain. Gods knew she wanted to. But that fucking wall. She COULD have a pristine home right now. So many things logical and illogical stood in her way

It was his house and she had a hard time doing things that benefitted him these days.

The fact that having a pristine house right now would mean losing precious sleep to achieve that level and maintaining it. She needed that sleep to help regulate her the best it could.

Mostly, it was that godforsaken wall. Made of despair and self doubt. Fit with all the mouths whispering the bitter truths of her short comings, her failures. Whispering of the things she could never be… never aspire to.

That wall built on sorrow and desperation, decorated with may mouths. All hers. That wall had seemingly grown during this particular time in her life.

It had never seemed so big and Bella had never felt so small

With daunting realness, another string melted away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

Cracks

Here she ended this last decade where it began. Lost, alone, feeling like she had wasted precious time she would never get back. On something that never really wanted to waste time on her.

She was shown again that she is easily discarded, even when she holds something valuable. It’s not enough to give her value.

She never thought someone could make her feel so small.

Yet, here she was. It was largely her fault. She needed to stop living her life with the “lets just see what happens” attitude. Even thought admittedly it had mostly led to some great memories, this time she had lost herself in the journey trying to please someone who could not, who would not let themselves be pleased. At least not by her.

But boy had he fooled her this time. He started out so normal. so nice. Patients and understanding mixed in with severe conviction all in one package. This probably should have been a red flag. One she chose to ignore.

Much to her detriment it was not the only one. The signs only seen after the disaster seemed so clear now. At the time when she was completely submerged in it, she had genuinely thought she was the problem.

She sat there looking at the crumbled pile that was her life. Took a long breathe and started to pick up the pieces of her life.

As she picked up the pieces, one of them broke another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

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