The Jaded Truth

It took a year, a long year of happy and sad and struggle and joy. Oh, the struggle. But she finally knew, Bella finally had her answer. 

The question; “had she made the right choice?” 

Now she knew. 

No.  

She had gone against a feeling so strong she could feel it in her soul and it was eating her alive. 

It fervently ate another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.

27 days til the sun died 

She wrote and wrote. With each letter a little weight was lifted and still her decision felt right. 

Days before in a moment of what Bella thought was cowardice she looked it up and actually found a sight. It gave her the best advice she could get at this point in her life. It told her to set the date. Make a plan, take care of her affairs so the people she’d be hurting wouldn’t have to. Pick a date and if after all of that was taken care of and she still felt this way then don’t finish the day. 

That’s exactly what Bella did. 

She took care of her affairs and began to write the letters. Each letter felt a little weight lifted but Bella was still resolved to go through with it. It actually gave her relief. She felt certain. 

She was half way through the letters

And that much closer to the disentanglement of Bella and Linus. 

Letter #5

Dear Dreadnaught,

You will probably be the most surprised by this outcome. And probably the most hurt. But I’m glad you never saw me in this state. You’ve always been there no questions. You were always the one who just wanted me where you were. You made me complete in a way I won’t understand until it’s too late. 

You are my favourite memory. You saw my worst self and still loved me. You picked me up when I was down. Stayed with me through my worst day. I love you more than even I can properly explain. 

I fucked up that night. I regret it. I could see it in your eyes. I hurt you. I am so very sorry in a way I will never be able to let go. 

And even after that you saved me that dark snowy night I fell apart and you never asked any whys or for reimbursement. 

You were right there in front of me and I let you slip away. 

My biggest mistake and regret is never telling you that I love you. 

More than anyone I’ve ever known. 

You are a spectacular human being and I will miss you most. 

You are magnificent

Love Bella 

Not Quite Whole

What a strange path I took to find my heart.

It has been a strange journey for Mz. R.E.

The things I’ve done and seen, the mortal boundaries both thoughtfully and carefully pushed. I have not had any lasting regrets.

WHOA! Whoa! whoa! Let’s just just halt that weepy Fucken pity party about to be started. 

Also, I have a huge list of anecdotal proof of fucking regrets and whoopsy-doodles. I just repress them like all you other normal folk. Bottle that shit up and add it to the fiery inferno that fuels my temper. 

It’s great being me. 

Oh! And those mortal boundaries were not thoughtfully or carefully pushed. I plunged in like jumping into the deep end at the pool when you don’t know how to swim. 

I started this post a few months ago and I was must’ve been pregnant or unknowingly on DMT or something. 

Holy fuck I have lived crazily and wrecklessly. I have had no regard for my own mortality and did not care for others feelings either. Fuck that noise! I hustled and burned bridges openly and without regret and cut ties with shitty people and partied my ass off. Literally. So thin. So hot. 

And I fell down the rabbit hole and hated myself and recovered and did it all again. Queen of sadism and self saboteur extraordinaire. 

Know what? I did find my heart. That missing piece of my soul. Perfect fucking contentment. I was content and at peace. The inferno was barely smouldering. 

Know what else? I let that go. 

I Fucken ghosted like a bitch and that shit is haunting. The inferno has never been so hot. 

Don’t fucking do that. Ever. 

Forever teaching you how to not live your life. 

The Late Mz.R.E

Letter #2

Dear dad, 

Well I can’t say that I’m happy about writing this one. If there was ever a reason for me to stick around, it’s you. 

In the 20 years I’ve known you, you have been a good person. Did what you could, what you had to. Took care of the people you loved, thick or thin. Never said much I’ll about anyone. Such an easy going, gentle man. You don’t deserve the loss you’ve faced. You should’ve had better than what you got. 

You are a great dad to me. Even when I didn’t let you be and especially when you didn’t have to be. 

You showed me at the worst of times there can be someone who’ll always be by another’s side. 

Ironically, you are my favourite parent. Taught me the value of a dollar and a good work ethic. That the integrity of a person is more important than the thickness of their wallet. That love truly is unconditional and forgiveness can be had even after the worst of kinds of betrayals.  

You’ve lost a lot of people in your life time and I hate seeing you the last one standing. 

You don’t deserve this much sadness and it’s horrible that you have to. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did or tried to do.  

And that I love you. 

You did enough. More than enough. 

I’m glad you finally have things the way you want and time for yourself. I hope you find happiness and relief. 

Love, 

Bella 

Letter #1

Bella wrote, 

Dear 17 year old me,

Where do I begin? 

Right now you are 17 and working at the gas station secretly harbouring feelings for that guy. 

I do have to commend you for realizing how precious your teen years are. Not many do and you cherish them and have been living it up. Your awareness of how soon it will be over has really helped you appreciate the freedom you have in this moment that much more. 

I’m pretty sure at this moment no one has said this to you. YOU ARE AWESOME. And that face you stare at in the mirror gets better with age. Actually it doesn’t even really change much. You age beautifully lady. 

Remember to love yourself now. You’re hot! And intelligent! Don’t sweat quitting school either. You’re going to find out eventually that although you are great at it, you truly hate school. 

Be more aware and thoughtful of the good things you have. Like Emi. Right at this moment she’s pretty goddamn adorable and before you know it, it will be gone and life will jade that and make her more like you than you ever wanted. 

By now people have already failed you, let you down and you’ve lost uncle Binne. 

I’m going to warn you, unfortunately more people are going to fail you and let you down. Right now at this moment despite what you may believe, you are completely responsible for heavy happens to you.

Everything. 

If you ever want to get out of town, be free. 

That anonymity you like, it’s real and it’s absolutely lovely. Your best friends will always be your best friends but you’re all going to end up in different places.  

That feeling like you don’t quite belong? Yeah, get used to it. It never goes away. It really isn’t a bad thing. It is a part of who you are and who you’ll become. 

By the way, you never stop searching for where you belong. And that’s not a bad thing either. 

That love you wonder about. He’s out there and he loves you as much as you love him. But he comes much later. And even still after him you find your other half and he makes you feel peaceful and complete and you will never love another the way you love him and he loves you. And you will give him up. But that’s a story for another day. Just know, you were content. Even for a moment. The guy you meet in a few months is NOT that guy. But he does give you a couple gems you’ll hold knot forever. 

Never settle. Your standards aren’t too high.  

Tha lying shit you do to get stuff out of your mother. Stop it now! I know at the moment you only use it on her, but eventually it bleeds out into other parts of your life and people get hurt and you feel so low. It’s not worth it. And no matter how nice she gets, never let yourself trust or depend on your mother. She will betray you and let you down in the worst ways. 

Anyways, the person you are now, I love that person. You’re intelligent and can figure people out pretty quick. You sit back and listen and observe. Never stop doing that. 

You’re magnificent human being. Don’t let that be compromised. You’ll always regret that. 

Just do what feels right. 

Bella 

Happy Valentine’s Day 

On her knees in the snow, Bella was sobbing unlike even she knew she was capable of. It was valentines and the day after she had buried her mother and Linus told her to stay there. Stay in that place where she couldn’t turn a corner without a bad memory pouring through her brain. The place she had to work up the courage to leave because she didn’t want to leave people behind. The place that had made her alone and bitter and violent and never sober. The place she knew she would kill herself if she had to live in even one more day. 

That town killed her soul and made her set the world on fire. And crouched there in the snow sobbing and wrenching all she could think was “why won’t he love me?” 

The memory of the day in the street when Linus yelled at her “I can’t love you like you want me to!” Played over and stabbed deeper into the spot where her heart has begun to grow back. This was a pain unlike she had ever felt. She felt the walls of her world slam into her and she almost fell into the abyss. 

But at the last moment her walls shot up and the fire relit and Bella stood up. Brushed herself off. She walked back into her fathers home, made 3 phone calls. And with that, she would be home by 4pm tomorrow.

Tears gone, stone faced, feeling nothing. Not numb. Just nothing. 

And as she sipped whisky with her dad another string fell away in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus 

The Final Beginning 

She sat on it. She knew what she wanted, but she knew what he needed. He was such a nice boy and she had no delusions of grandeur she just wanted to make sure he would be ok. And she knew how she could save him. 

She just didn’t know if she should. Bella had waited so long to find what she was looking for, to have something so precious in her hands. Her heart ached at the thought of losing it. Him. 

But it was the only way. 

Bella pondered and lost sleep and played out every angle and path. Anything to reason why this one time she should be truly selfish. But how would Pip survive if she did? He wouldn’t. 

So she let go of that too, let her heart walk away under a trilby hat. 

That night alone in her living room she toasted quietly to herself “To the final beginning”. 

And with it snapped another thread in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus

The Joys of Being 

It’s that deep down in your soul understanding of “almost doesn’t count”. The overwhelming knawing disappointment in the realization that you’re just not quite accepted. You’re just the seat filler. 

You’ve been talked at, but without the condescending tone. Lived your whole life not ever really trying to belong because you could just feel you didn’t and it would be wasted effort. 

That moment you realize you’re in a full room and no one has noticed you. 

Or forgotten you were ever there. 

It’s the reason you’ve read so many books, learned to enjoy your own company. 

Kind of. 

Oh loneliness how we’ve come to be such great friends. 

Mz. R.E.

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