why is it so hard to let go? Even after all the time that has passed, she still would have these moments. Although they were getting fewer and far between, they still happened. A brief moment where she would stop, and like a flash the “what ifs”, “what could have beens”, would play through, The same memories/thoughts in the same order. Sometimes the end would be different, but none the less, she would have these moments.

For the Toymaker.

For Nose.

For all of them.

For all the shoulda, woulda, coulda that she lived deep in her soul. The place where she kept all her secrets and truly true feelings about the people that played those pivotal roles in shaping where she was and a little she would have to admit who she was.

Although her journey was not over. Another string had been severed. The finality of it was not as sad as she thought, and more bittersweet than she anticipated. There was no pang in her heart if she thought of the good times. Rarely did she do it. Dwelling on anything no matter how little you cared was not healthy. It could also re-light the fire that fed the emotions from the days before if you stayed a little too long.

So she kept them mostly tucked away deep. Not to be saved for another day, but until the day came that they would be forgotten like a box tucked too far on a closet shelf left behind when you move.

After all, if you forgot about it, did you ever really need it to begin with?

To ensure room to keep the tucked away memories, she instead forgot into disintegration another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus