Bella knew there was no going back, she would never be who she once was. She felt like she had lost her edge and was exhausted in a way that sleep would never fix. She had put so much into this life she had lost to cowardice. Bella thought that if she could ever get back to who she was before that it would take so much work and energy
She was so completely consumed with that thought. She yearned for who she once was and nothing else would do. She would recall fondly the way she used to navigate life and handle herself and get lost wondering how she ever did that. Entirely encompassed in that thought, just behind her eyes she could feel that that was not a possibility. One can never go back, they can only go forward. The realism in that thought broke her heart all over again.
And with it broke another string in the disentanglement of Bella and Linus.